Saturday, September 10, 2005
mismatch : September 1 - 10, 2005
Does true love really exist in this world?
Chapter 1
As I sat by my desktop browsing through my dating profile on a local dating site, I chance upon a new message in my Inbox. Immediately, I took a quick glance at the message and click on the sender’s profile to have a quick look at the stats.
Without a second though, immediately, I decided to add him into my messenger contact list. Moments later, both of us began to engage in a conversation online. As we chatted on and on… it led on to a very long chat on the phone. The atmosphere felt like chatting with an old friend. Gossips were among some of the topics exchanged throughout the conversation.
The chat came to a complete end 3hours later… which was quite a shock… with more still left unsaid. The following day, I was gone, decided to go on a weekend long break to a distant island in a foreign country for a breakaway stay.
During the 3 days overseas, my mind got collected with my many thoughts and a recollection of the past. From the day I got to know my ex till the day he left me and the events that led on to liking someone younger than me with a maturity level that was beyond his age on to this current friend whom I feel clicks… but I rather only regard him as a friend.
Upon my return from my 3 days breakaway, I started to realize the importance of friendship and how we should treasure our friends. Perhaps, that’s the reason behind why tears flowed down freely as I took the ferry back….
Chapter 2
On my return, the first thing I did was to text all my beloved friends about my return and changed my voicemail pre-recorded message. After which, I started to unpack my bag and met up with a few friends that evening. We had a long session of chat to catch up with one another since my disappearance without notice. It got them into some form of shock… and also, passed them some sweets… since I have decided to bring back nothing for them.
The days that follow, I stayed home to do research for my numerous projects as well as to attend workshops on healthcare and catching up with school work since it was a 1 week vacation for me.
The nights that follow, I will log on to messenger and chat with him, chatting through the night and ending it with phone chats. It usually ends at 1am. Days later, we deiced to meet up that week on a Friday.
The night before the meet up, I went over to my senior’s place for a sleepover. It was a night of catching up with my biology as well as a talk crap session. We both chatted about our life and our ex-boyfriends.
The next morning, I rushed home to unload my belonging and went out to meet up with him. I was late, after all, who cares? I was not late without a reason. I explained my reason for being late and we went to the PC Show that was on that day in the city area.
We spend hours there looking at the various laptops and took our time to allow him to choose one that suits his needs… after hours of walking and considerations, we finally came to a conclusion on the model that interest him. He settled the payment and the deliver date then went on to look at the food fair which was up one level. We had our late lunch there; it was filled with lots of people buzzing around for good bargains.
The day ended with another round of shopping around the convention centre shopping malls before we parted our ways. I went for my workshop on supplements while he went home.
Chapter 3
The days that followed were quite boring, I was sick that weekend and it ruined my revision plans. The following week, school began. Back in school, I start my engines on rushing out the projects that were to be due. With that, came my serious mood swings and quarrels between fellow classmates – which were sparked off out of the blue.
I was a little down perhaps due to my lack of sleep and stress factors. I had many dreams too in the night whenever I close my eyes. I’ll start dreaming, about life, the corporate world and many other things that just happen to glaze through my mind.
The following week Friday, we met once more. That morning I was heavily drugged and felt nauseated while in school. Halfway through the day I decided to head home to rest. After having rested enough, it was about time to head out to meet up with him. As per usual, we went shopping and chatted briefly. This time it was much livelier… however, I got slightly more playful. I started to tickle him while we were out shopping since he was a little annoying. It seemed just like when I hang out with my group of friends – after all, he is just a friend; Someone who I do not want to consider as a date.
The day went smoothly with shopping and we had dinner at a food court. Unknown to my eyes, a friend was sitting directly behind me. However, I did not notice the text message.
So, after dinner, we went to the cinema to catch a movie. It was quite a boring movie and we ended up holding hand for fun instead of viewing the movie. The day ended with a stroll down to esplanade for a short chit chat before we parted.
That night my mind came to a halt considering whether I should want to proceed further than just being friends. However, my mind made several objections to that. Perhaps, I felt I still cannot forget someone whom has left me not too long ago and, the possibility of school work load killing me is making me feel mad about considering anything more than relationships.
Maybe being friends will still work out better for me at this stage in time. And further more, I feel it more like an infatuation than anything else at this stage… not that I am in love with the person, I just enjoy the person’s company as a friend and it will feel more like a mismatch after all.
Looking back at the past experiences, I would rather steer clear of all forms of relationship until I am very sure that I have truly found what I have always been looking for – true love. Does it ever exist? I am still very unsure at this point in time. However, what I am assured of is that… it should consist of passion, intimacy and love.
As for whether it does exist, I would say, it does to a certain extend. Moreover, it will take time to tell. Feeling is just part of the whole effect after all. Without love or chemistry, nothing is going to work out.
The days that went by, our friendship got better. We bonded together well, once more, chatted as per usual.
Chapter 4
The following weekend, I went over to his place to install some software and we chatted for quite sometime. As it turns out, after having dinner, he told me something that shocked me. It was a confession which I could not really accept. He has been holding a torch for a while now. However, he did not have the courage to confess and even so… I felt like fainting. And I was loss in my senses as I suddenly fell unconscious.
----The next moment when I woke up, I realize I was lying half nude on his bed. My mind went ablank. What has happened? Have I been raped without knowing it? I immediately put on my clothings and questioned him.
“what is this?” I asked in an angered voice.
“well, nothing… I just took off your clothing since u fainted.” He replied.
“What? Are you mad?”… While I said that, I delivered a slap on his cheek and left without a word.
----I left his place hurriedly and went to my favorite place to sit down and wallow in sorrow. If I had known such thing will occur, I should have not went to his place at all. I felt so low in my self-esteem.
I am at a loss of what to do. It was something which I hated and for that to happen was just plain annoying. Why did he do such a thing to me? Isn’t it betrayal of a friendship or privacy? It’s just so annoying.
As I think deeply, I felt like diving into the river. To drown myself and never be seen again. Perhaps it was what I should do – since I see no value in living on this sorrowful world after all.
However, I deiced perhaps… I should go to him and ask him what he did. The next moment, he appeared from behind me. He explained that he did not do anything… he just took off my clothes and hug me for a while. I felt so crap… I pushed him away and ran… as far as I could… without saying any word… and deleted his contact and decided that we should not be in contact anymore.
Afterword
This work is very crap and written without much thought. It is one more the worst written piece. Maybe for a breathing out some inner thoughts perhaps…>
Written: September 1 - 10, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
the forgiver :: June 15, 2005
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, January, February, March, April, May, June, July…. The days and months go on…
Disclaimer: All characters in the story are works of fiction, and are in no relation to real life characters or events.
Chapter I
I sat down by my desktop, listening to the song Goodbye’s (The Saddest Word) on my Winamp ® player. It brought back many memories from the beginning of my love life till the end. The numerous turbulences that rocked my entire journey in search of my Mr. Right.
Yet, at the end of the tunnel of this 1year of relationship, what I got was not his love nor his soul. But, a valuable lesson learnt from this turbulent relationship where I grew to be stronger in my belief and stronger in my will to love and be loved. To spend more time with him as well as to gain his trust and use it as the foundation to my ever growing intelligence in building a stronger relationship.
Life on its own is really a miracle, from the day we were born to this earth, we are fated to die off years later. And through the journey in life, I always kept this goal of bringing about joy and happiness to people around me. And not asking for anything in return as a favor. I feel, life is about helping others and touching their lives.
I feel, no matter what job we choose to work in, we are already giving back what we have gotten from the society. Even as a homosexual, we are also giving back what we took from society from the point of working in the society, contributing to the society as a whole in the forms of the economics. Even though, we maybe unable to produce children, but, we are paying taxes as well to support the society structure as a whole.
Being fascinated with life, as I listen to the near ending of the song… “Goodbye’s the last time I will hold you near… Someday you say that word and I will cry… It’ll break my heart to hear you say goodbye”… tears began streaming down my eyeballs…. Pure crystal tears which I can’t imagine… it saddens me every time a relationship comes to an end… the reason being, it could mean… I will no longer be in contact with them or… the person is leaving for another country… or when the person is deceased… these are the numerous episodes in life where we see tears streaming down people’s eyes…
Chapter II
As my thoughts went deeper into my heart… I began to think back in time… just like watching a movie film strip, showing the past life…
I got to know Keith back in August 1year 5months back from a dating website. Things were well in the beginning. We started off as friends on the net. Chatted for a few weeks before we finally met up on a Saturday evening in Orchard road.
We went for dinner at Swensens Crown Prince hotel, then proceeded with a stroll down Orchard Road towards Plaza Singapura to catch a movie. There after, we took a cab home, he send me to my place before heading back.
As the days went by, we got to know each other better and things started to get more intimate. It was then… one night, when I went over to his apartment that we confessed our love for one another.
That night we had a candle light dinner served with home cooked pasta of spaghetti and pizza. He did the cooking and washing up, and the food was delicious. Or maybe, because we were very hungry for food.
After the washing up of the dishes, we sat by the living room, staring out towards the balcony facing the open sea. We began to hold hands and before long, started kissing. It was the first time I kissed and the first time I had sex with anyone.
He was my first love. I was his tenth lover. What a vast difference, he’s 27 while I was 22. I only began work in society as a freelance journalist and a part time relief teacher. I enjoyed the likes of both worlds. Writing and sharing my knowledge with everyone who I meet.
As the night proceeded, darker and darker in the dimly lit living room, we started to unzip and undress till we were only left with g-strings. We happen to wear g-strings that day. Not because of any fetish, but was because we did it for fun and was coincidental that we both wore the same thing inside us. By the time we were both nude, we were already crawling into the bedroom.
Intense kissing continued with hugging and foreplay. Through the night sex took place till the wee hours before we both got tired and jerked off before taking a shower and going to sleep.
The next day, morning, the fun continued as it was a weekend. We went for a short cycling expedition and some tanning at East Coast Park before heading for lunch at Kenny Rogers®. We continued to bask in the sun till the evening before having dinner over at his place. Stayed there till eight at night before he send me back home.
Every weekend was spend in almost the same fashion, except that we did different things every weekend. We also went on 2 short trips – one to Perth, Australia and the other to Taiwan.
However, this relationship did not last… after 12months together, I got tired of everything. As for him, he started to go for one night stands, bringing guys back to his apartment for sex every weekday where he feels like mating. I got very pissed at the sight of it when I found out one day when I did my surprise visit to his apartment.
The sight of him mating with some other guy shattered my image of him. I got very angry and gave him a punch on the abs before heading out of his apartment and throwing his apartment keys back to him.
I felt cheated of my entire relationship, my 1 year spend with him has gone to waste. For someone whom I had loved deeply has betrayed me. Not because I refused to have sex with him, it was because his desire for sex was far beyond what I could give him. All because, I had to rush work all the way till wee hours at night to rush out the news for the next day.
Ever since that night, we were no longer in contact. I ignored his explanations and e-mails which he sent me. I felt that there was no reason I should ever contact him for he has cheated me of my feelings and I felt so cheap to have been toyed with.
Months later, I decided to leave Singapore and went on a month holiday trip to Australia. I took the opportunity to gain exposure to learn more of the Australian culture as well as to compose my first novel. Within a month, I completed writing my novel and returned to Singapore with a fresh beginning, and has forgiven him after much thought. However, I will no longer love him, if I were to meet him on the streets, I will only acknowledge him as a friend.
Chapter III
Life got back to normal – just like before I began my love life. I returned to my teaching as well as my journalist job. I submitted my works of various big and small publishers for review. I received many replied but only one publisher was keen to get my novel published.
After months of discussion and editing of the story, the novel was ready to be published. The initial print was ten thousand copies, and I decided to pledge part of my royalties to charity. Even though I know that the book will not be a great hit.
It was a story a child’s journey in search of his true identity. And about the numerous obstacles he has go through before he could finally realize what he wanted in life and who he truly is.
To my surprise, months after the book hits the shelves, there was a request of a reprint. I was taken by surprise and my publisher actually organized a book signing session for me to share my writing experience with the many readers who purchased the book.
It was during that book signing session that I met him again. I could sense the old atmosphere just like the day we first met on Orchard Road. However, the feeling of closeness wasn’t there anymore. We went for coffee after the book singing session and had a long chat.
We updated one another on our happenings, only after much prompting from him did I reveal how I was living my life. And I told him I had forgiven him for what he had done. However, I told him that I wish him luck in whatever he wants to do in life. As I no longer feel for him. Before we departed, we embraced one another for the last time and we walked off in opposite directions. We never turned back, there was no turning back, both of us were not attached, he no longer went for one night stands and life got better for both of us.
I focused on writing full time while he did his advertising.
As I recovered from my thoughts… the player was still playing the same song over and over again… even though goodbye’s maybe the saddest thing, I feel… a goodbye can be a temporary exit as well as a permanent exit. For me, I feel he is just a phase in my life. He entered and exit, as he had wished. I had no regrets of know him and having him as part of my life. However, I do not wish to hate him either, as I feel forgive and forget still suits me best.
Afterword
Write this story out of boredom. The inspiration came from Celine Dion’s song – Goodbyes (the Saddest Word). Hope you have enjoyed the story.
Disclaimer: All characters in the story are works of fiction, and are in no relation to real life characters or events.
Chapter I
I sat down by my desktop, listening to the song Goodbye’s (The Saddest Word) on my Winamp ® player. It brought back many memories from the beginning of my love life till the end. The numerous turbulences that rocked my entire journey in search of my Mr. Right.
Yet, at the end of the tunnel of this 1year of relationship, what I got was not his love nor his soul. But, a valuable lesson learnt from this turbulent relationship where I grew to be stronger in my belief and stronger in my will to love and be loved. To spend more time with him as well as to gain his trust and use it as the foundation to my ever growing intelligence in building a stronger relationship.
Life on its own is really a miracle, from the day we were born to this earth, we are fated to die off years later. And through the journey in life, I always kept this goal of bringing about joy and happiness to people around me. And not asking for anything in return as a favor. I feel, life is about helping others and touching their lives.
I feel, no matter what job we choose to work in, we are already giving back what we have gotten from the society. Even as a homosexual, we are also giving back what we took from society from the point of working in the society, contributing to the society as a whole in the forms of the economics. Even though, we maybe unable to produce children, but, we are paying taxes as well to support the society structure as a whole.
Being fascinated with life, as I listen to the near ending of the song… “Goodbye’s the last time I will hold you near… Someday you say that word and I will cry… It’ll break my heart to hear you say goodbye”… tears began streaming down my eyeballs…. Pure crystal tears which I can’t imagine… it saddens me every time a relationship comes to an end… the reason being, it could mean… I will no longer be in contact with them or… the person is leaving for another country… or when the person is deceased… these are the numerous episodes in life where we see tears streaming down people’s eyes…
Chapter II
As my thoughts went deeper into my heart… I began to think back in time… just like watching a movie film strip, showing the past life…
I got to know Keith back in August 1year 5months back from a dating website. Things were well in the beginning. We started off as friends on the net. Chatted for a few weeks before we finally met up on a Saturday evening in Orchard road.
We went for dinner at Swensens Crown Prince hotel, then proceeded with a stroll down Orchard Road towards Plaza Singapura to catch a movie. There after, we took a cab home, he send me to my place before heading back.
As the days went by, we got to know each other better and things started to get more intimate. It was then… one night, when I went over to his apartment that we confessed our love for one another.
That night we had a candle light dinner served with home cooked pasta of spaghetti and pizza. He did the cooking and washing up, and the food was delicious. Or maybe, because we were very hungry for food.
After the washing up of the dishes, we sat by the living room, staring out towards the balcony facing the open sea. We began to hold hands and before long, started kissing. It was the first time I kissed and the first time I had sex with anyone.
He was my first love. I was his tenth lover. What a vast difference, he’s 27 while I was 22. I only began work in society as a freelance journalist and a part time relief teacher. I enjoyed the likes of both worlds. Writing and sharing my knowledge with everyone who I meet.
As the night proceeded, darker and darker in the dimly lit living room, we started to unzip and undress till we were only left with g-strings. We happen to wear g-strings that day. Not because of any fetish, but was because we did it for fun and was coincidental that we both wore the same thing inside us. By the time we were both nude, we were already crawling into the bedroom.
Intense kissing continued with hugging and foreplay. Through the night sex took place till the wee hours before we both got tired and jerked off before taking a shower and going to sleep.
The next day, morning, the fun continued as it was a weekend. We went for a short cycling expedition and some tanning at East Coast Park before heading for lunch at Kenny Rogers®. We continued to bask in the sun till the evening before having dinner over at his place. Stayed there till eight at night before he send me back home.
Every weekend was spend in almost the same fashion, except that we did different things every weekend. We also went on 2 short trips – one to Perth, Australia and the other to Taiwan.
However, this relationship did not last… after 12months together, I got tired of everything. As for him, he started to go for one night stands, bringing guys back to his apartment for sex every weekday where he feels like mating. I got very pissed at the sight of it when I found out one day when I did my surprise visit to his apartment.
The sight of him mating with some other guy shattered my image of him. I got very angry and gave him a punch on the abs before heading out of his apartment and throwing his apartment keys back to him.
I felt cheated of my entire relationship, my 1 year spend with him has gone to waste. For someone whom I had loved deeply has betrayed me. Not because I refused to have sex with him, it was because his desire for sex was far beyond what I could give him. All because, I had to rush work all the way till wee hours at night to rush out the news for the next day.
Ever since that night, we were no longer in contact. I ignored his explanations and e-mails which he sent me. I felt that there was no reason I should ever contact him for he has cheated me of my feelings and I felt so cheap to have been toyed with.
Months later, I decided to leave Singapore and went on a month holiday trip to Australia. I took the opportunity to gain exposure to learn more of the Australian culture as well as to compose my first novel. Within a month, I completed writing my novel and returned to Singapore with a fresh beginning, and has forgiven him after much thought. However, I will no longer love him, if I were to meet him on the streets, I will only acknowledge him as a friend.
Chapter III
Life got back to normal – just like before I began my love life. I returned to my teaching as well as my journalist job. I submitted my works of various big and small publishers for review. I received many replied but only one publisher was keen to get my novel published.
After months of discussion and editing of the story, the novel was ready to be published. The initial print was ten thousand copies, and I decided to pledge part of my royalties to charity. Even though I know that the book will not be a great hit.
It was a story a child’s journey in search of his true identity. And about the numerous obstacles he has go through before he could finally realize what he wanted in life and who he truly is.
To my surprise, months after the book hits the shelves, there was a request of a reprint. I was taken by surprise and my publisher actually organized a book signing session for me to share my writing experience with the many readers who purchased the book.
It was during that book signing session that I met him again. I could sense the old atmosphere just like the day we first met on Orchard Road. However, the feeling of closeness wasn’t there anymore. We went for coffee after the book singing session and had a long chat.
We updated one another on our happenings, only after much prompting from him did I reveal how I was living my life. And I told him I had forgiven him for what he had done. However, I told him that I wish him luck in whatever he wants to do in life. As I no longer feel for him. Before we departed, we embraced one another for the last time and we walked off in opposite directions. We never turned back, there was no turning back, both of us were not attached, he no longer went for one night stands and life got better for both of us.
I focused on writing full time while he did his advertising.
As I recovered from my thoughts… the player was still playing the same song over and over again… even though goodbye’s maybe the saddest thing, I feel… a goodbye can be a temporary exit as well as a permanent exit. For me, I feel he is just a phase in my life. He entered and exit, as he had wished. I had no regrets of know him and having him as part of my life. However, I do not wish to hate him either, as I feel forgive and forget still suits me best.
Afterword
Write this story out of boredom. The inspiration came from Celine Dion’s song – Goodbyes (the Saddest Word). Hope you have enjoyed the story.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Forbidden Love :: June 12, 2005
Faithful + un-Faithful = Scandals?? Does this equation always exist?
Disclaimer: The characters in this story dead or alive have no relation to real life beings.
Chapter 1
Sometimes I ask myself? Have I been faithful to my boyfriend? In terms of the undivided love for him. And most of the time, I could not exactly come to a concluding statement on this topic. Why? Why has that to be? Am I really that heartless? Again, another big question mark comes stomping into my face.
As my thoughts carried me further away from reality, I began to think back into the past. Of the various unfaithful events that preceded during my 2 years of companionship with Jonathan – my ex boyfriend.
It seems like watching a 2hour movie, everything was in a flash, from the time we met, got together, have sex till the day we parted our ways to go our separate ways. Every moment was being captured, even the unsightly moments where I had flings with other guys, as well as the guy who has tried to snatch me away from Jonathan, but without success of course.
As I think back all these, tears began to roll down from my eyeballs. The crystal clear tears were flowing profusely as if I am bleeding to death. I feel sorrow deep inside me, and a sense of guilt of what I had done to him. Most of the flings I had were injustice on my part, for being coaxed into a very high feeling. For being immature on my part, not being able to make sound judgment of what is right and wrong.
All in all, a world of sadness now overshadows me. For being slut, and being unfaithful. For being all the nasty decretory words you can think of.
From my point of view, I led a very messy life. With clubbing on weekends to bitching in class about how short the girls are wearing their slut skirts to my lecturers about how bimbotic and old fashioned some of them are. It’s a very sadistic world that I belong to.
Even when I am on my clinical postings, the sight of the way some of the student nurse behave also make me want to bitch at them about how unprofessional they can be. It just saddens be about the way we lead life. Be it in a homosexual, straight or bi-sexual lifestyle. All lifestyle are as complicated as ever. No one’s safe from anything like AIDS, TB, HIV, Hepatitis B, SARS and the list just flows on.
Chapter 2
I got to know Jonathan through the IRC channel on a Monday afternoon. It was a shiny day, yet, my friends were all in school as school has begun for them. As for me, I’m on vacation, with no one to talk to, the IRC channel was the only place I could turn to for people to chat with.
[tamp] Hi! Care to intro?
[sleepyBoi] 19m 167 57
[sleepyBoi] how about u?
[tamp] 24m 174 65
[tamp] seek?
[sleepyBoi] friends and people to chat with… how about u?
[tamp] sex and friends…
[tamp] I don’t think I am what u are looking for… haha
[sleepBoi] well, we can still chat, can’t we?
[tamp] of course we can :P
----------------
As the chat goes on, they chatted about quite a bit of things on lifestyle… then on to the topic about sex…
After a while, they decided to meet up at a nearby park to continue their chatting session.
Peter got ready to set off to Tampines to meet up with his new friend Jonathan.
----------------
Peter: Hi Jonathan, nice to meet you…
Jonathan: Yea, Hi there.
After they exchanged salutations, they began to take a stroll while chatting as they move along to a quiet spot in the part to continue with their chat.
As they continued chatting, things got a bit steamy in their conversations. Before long, they were kissing in broad day light. And their hands were all over the place. Moments later, they were behind the bushes.
-------------------
After the steamy session, they stroll out of the park, bid goodbye and decided to keep in contact. It was the first time Jonathan did that in broad day light and the first time he felt very happy about knowing someone who he feels could be his Mr. Right.
As for Peter, he felt happy to know Jonathan, and felt the same for him. However, his feeling for Jonathan is only superficial. That night, they chatted till very late on MSN messenger while listening to Amber soundtrack. A Singapore Arts Festival play by National theatre of China.
During the long chat that night, Peter could sense a love atmosphere in the works. Moreover, he is taking his time to understand more about Jonathan. After being in the gay circle for 2years, he is still a greenhorn as compared to other veterans in the circle. Even though, he might not be as green as those much younger than him.
As time passed by, slowly, after a few nights of chatting on MSN and numerous exchange of text messages, he decided that it was time to meet up with his prince charming again.
They met on the second day of his birthday. Even though it was a very brief meeting, he felt very happy about the special arrangement that Jonathan has installed for him. As compared to the ones he celebrated over the past 18years. He recounted only 6 celebrations. 3 of them with birthday cakes, while the other 2 were with friends and former colleagues at Spotlight on different occasions. And the most recent one, on the 2nd day of his birthday with Jonathan.
It was also on that day that he asked Jonathan if he was interested in going into a companionship with him. The reason why Peter decided to ask Jonathan was because, he could sense deeply that Jonathan is very deeply in love with him. And, furthermore, Peter does have some feelings for Jonathan and feels that Jonathan might be the one he has been looking for all this while.
Everything just falls into place in a flash. Within just 4days, they were already together. They defined their love as companionship where everyone gets the chance to meet up with their own group of friends as well as devoting sometime to meet up for dinner and other activities. Everything was well planned and both won’t lose out on the chance for the so-called “private space” which they both want to have. It was the ideal love life that both wanted and it did work out in be beginning though their love was flying very quickly for the first month before it eventually toned down a little.
It was also a very good thing, to have a companionship tone down to a much slower pace to build up stronger bonds and keeping it low profile at the same time means a lot to both.
Though, some of Peter’s friends were in double shock to know that he got attached suddenly when they went out with him. Not from his mouth, but rather, from the ring he always carried with him faithfully. His friends respected him for his decision on his companionship.
The times when Peter met up with Jonathan were very irregular due to Peter’s work schedule and other factors.
Chapter 3
As time went by, Peter got to know more and more friends from the internet and met them up for coffee and outings. He did also engage in some flings behind Jonathan’s back like those of kissing and hugging. Which in the eyes of Peter were just simply for flirt. There was also a couple of times when the guys he hang out with, despite knowing he is already attached confessed that they love him. He was unmoved by most of them even though he kept in contact with them.
His reason being that, they were still people whom he feels comfortable chatting with. Not because of their advances on him. And most of the time, he will push away any act of intimacy which violates him in terms of his current companionship with Jonathan. He carries Jonathan in his heart wherever he goes even at work, with wearing a ring on his neck.
However, a few months into his strong relationship, he could not stand the temptation that was presented to him and he fell into the love trap. He started to have feelings for someone he got to know for a while now. They will meet up occasionally for coffee and end up kissing and hugging in nude.
The guy that he met up with is single, and was much older than his Jonathan. They would usually exchange text messages a few times daily and crap on MSN messenger as well. The guy is also aware that Peter is attached. He once did confess that he too liked peter, moreover, he knows that there is nothing much he could do except to treat Peter like a close friend of his. And he knows his limits in this game of love. That everything can come to a close overnight. And it could either make or break a relationship should Peter’s boyfriend find out about this scandalous act of theirs.
Peter treated this affair as a side dish, and he did not really commit himself in such a fling. He knows very well the consequences that could happen should he get too deeply involved in this extra affair. It could lead to a breakup with his boyfriend and even worse, unexpected events could follow.
The affair lasted for the remaining years of his companionship till the day Jonathan saw Peter and his friend together on the streets.
Days later, Jonathan confronted Peter about what was happening and the truth came to light… Peter was having a 1year odd affair with another guy behind his back. He felt angry and cheated and wanted to deliver a slap on peter’s face. Yet, feeling very heart broken, he broke down and started crying. Asking Peter, why did you do this to me? Don’t you know how much I love you and how much I care for you? Why are you still doing this to me? Is it because I did not spend enough time with you or what?
Peter was numb with nothing to say. And moments later, he too began to drip tears for he realized his biggest mistake is to have an affair with another guy for 1 year and being very unfaithful to his boyfriend.
He wanted to hug his boyfriend… but, everything was just too late. His boyfriend was long gone even before he realized it. Though they still kept in contact, but the deep hole in Jonathan’s heart will never be healed again. It left a very deep scar, which only time will heal. And the trust that Jonathan had on Peter was long gone with the broken heart.
Chapter 4
Slowly, I recovered from my deep thoughts into the past. With a pool of tears already gathering beneath my desk. Now, after being single for 5months now, thinking back about what a nasty person I have been to be in a companionship yet having an affair with someone else… I really hate myself to the core.
Every since the final verdict, I still kept in contact with the guy I had an affair with. But, we no longer meet up that often and no longer kissing and hugging in nude. He is now happily attached with me left feeling sour. All has come and gone too fast, I do treasure every bits of this bitter sweet love that I had. However, the rainbow that I once had is now nowhere to be seen. How sad can life really be? Sometimes I really wonder? Thinking back, I really hope that I had not had an affair and should be more faithful and cherish the love and care that I was very fortunate to have. And to be tearing leads me to understand that my love for him is not just a come and go. It’s really very deep inside me, till now I can still feel the pain and I fear loving another person. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, I just want to get a life, live life more peacefully for now till I am ready for the next train to hop on for a smoother journey and stay on it for as long as my life lasts.
I guess opportunities dun always wait on us, there will always be an expiry date attached and if we are not fast enough, we will just miss it and it will never come back to take us for a second ride. That remains very true even after the day you die. I guess in life we should treasure everything we have or possess, nothing is permanent. Everything in life form can just come and go without notice.
Even our own life has an expiry date, through the course of 2 years of love and being a student nurse, I have learnt a lot about life about how we should cherish everything we have. Nothing lasts, and everyone of us maybe alive today. What about tomorrow? We might be buried or burn into ashes. Nothing is predictable in this world, the world is fast changing and evolving, no one knows where we will be tomorrow, as in this saying “yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift”. And today is exactly a gift and we should be happy that we can still live to see the day… but well, what is death then? Well, death is a continuation of life.
Maybe I just think too much sometimes, and I really mean that I think a lot. Not for saying only, I hope I will heal my sorrow and my wound soon.
Afterword
This scandalous story is not exactly very spicy. It is very plain and simply put – on the surface of having affairs. Hope you enjoyed reading it, and rethink about life. The inspiration came from the recent scandal I overhead. And, well… nothing is based on true life. Really, everything is being faked up.
Written: 12 June 2005
Disclaimer: The characters in this story dead or alive have no relation to real life beings.
Chapter 1
Sometimes I ask myself? Have I been faithful to my boyfriend? In terms of the undivided love for him. And most of the time, I could not exactly come to a concluding statement on this topic. Why? Why has that to be? Am I really that heartless? Again, another big question mark comes stomping into my face.
As my thoughts carried me further away from reality, I began to think back into the past. Of the various unfaithful events that preceded during my 2 years of companionship with Jonathan – my ex boyfriend.
It seems like watching a 2hour movie, everything was in a flash, from the time we met, got together, have sex till the day we parted our ways to go our separate ways. Every moment was being captured, even the unsightly moments where I had flings with other guys, as well as the guy who has tried to snatch me away from Jonathan, but without success of course.
As I think back all these, tears began to roll down from my eyeballs. The crystal clear tears were flowing profusely as if I am bleeding to death. I feel sorrow deep inside me, and a sense of guilt of what I had done to him. Most of the flings I had were injustice on my part, for being coaxed into a very high feeling. For being immature on my part, not being able to make sound judgment of what is right and wrong.
All in all, a world of sadness now overshadows me. For being slut, and being unfaithful. For being all the nasty decretory words you can think of.
From my point of view, I led a very messy life. With clubbing on weekends to bitching in class about how short the girls are wearing their slut skirts to my lecturers about how bimbotic and old fashioned some of them are. It’s a very sadistic world that I belong to.
Even when I am on my clinical postings, the sight of the way some of the student nurse behave also make me want to bitch at them about how unprofessional they can be. It just saddens be about the way we lead life. Be it in a homosexual, straight or bi-sexual lifestyle. All lifestyle are as complicated as ever. No one’s safe from anything like AIDS, TB, HIV, Hepatitis B, SARS and the list just flows on.
Chapter 2
I got to know Jonathan through the IRC channel on a Monday afternoon. It was a shiny day, yet, my friends were all in school as school has begun for them. As for me, I’m on vacation, with no one to talk to, the IRC channel was the only place I could turn to for people to chat with.
[tamp] Hi! Care to intro?
[sleepyBoi] 19m 167 57
[sleepyBoi] how about u?
[tamp] 24m 174 65
[tamp] seek?
[sleepyBoi] friends and people to chat with… how about u?
[tamp] sex and friends…
[tamp] I don’t think I am what u are looking for… haha
[sleepBoi] well, we can still chat, can’t we?
[tamp] of course we can :P
----------------
As the chat goes on, they chatted about quite a bit of things on lifestyle… then on to the topic about sex…
After a while, they decided to meet up at a nearby park to continue their chatting session.
Peter got ready to set off to Tampines to meet up with his new friend Jonathan.
----------------
Peter: Hi Jonathan, nice to meet you…
Jonathan: Yea, Hi there.
After they exchanged salutations, they began to take a stroll while chatting as they move along to a quiet spot in the part to continue with their chat.
As they continued chatting, things got a bit steamy in their conversations. Before long, they were kissing in broad day light. And their hands were all over the place. Moments later, they were behind the bushes.
-------------------
After the steamy session, they stroll out of the park, bid goodbye and decided to keep in contact. It was the first time Jonathan did that in broad day light and the first time he felt very happy about knowing someone who he feels could be his Mr. Right.
As for Peter, he felt happy to know Jonathan, and felt the same for him. However, his feeling for Jonathan is only superficial. That night, they chatted till very late on MSN messenger while listening to Amber soundtrack. A Singapore Arts Festival play by National theatre of China.
During the long chat that night, Peter could sense a love atmosphere in the works. Moreover, he is taking his time to understand more about Jonathan. After being in the gay circle for 2years, he is still a greenhorn as compared to other veterans in the circle. Even though, he might not be as green as those much younger than him.
As time passed by, slowly, after a few nights of chatting on MSN and numerous exchange of text messages, he decided that it was time to meet up with his prince charming again.
They met on the second day of his birthday. Even though it was a very brief meeting, he felt very happy about the special arrangement that Jonathan has installed for him. As compared to the ones he celebrated over the past 18years. He recounted only 6 celebrations. 3 of them with birthday cakes, while the other 2 were with friends and former colleagues at Spotlight on different occasions. And the most recent one, on the 2nd day of his birthday with Jonathan.
It was also on that day that he asked Jonathan if he was interested in going into a companionship with him. The reason why Peter decided to ask Jonathan was because, he could sense deeply that Jonathan is very deeply in love with him. And, furthermore, Peter does have some feelings for Jonathan and feels that Jonathan might be the one he has been looking for all this while.
Everything just falls into place in a flash. Within just 4days, they were already together. They defined their love as companionship where everyone gets the chance to meet up with their own group of friends as well as devoting sometime to meet up for dinner and other activities. Everything was well planned and both won’t lose out on the chance for the so-called “private space” which they both want to have. It was the ideal love life that both wanted and it did work out in be beginning though their love was flying very quickly for the first month before it eventually toned down a little.
It was also a very good thing, to have a companionship tone down to a much slower pace to build up stronger bonds and keeping it low profile at the same time means a lot to both.
Though, some of Peter’s friends were in double shock to know that he got attached suddenly when they went out with him. Not from his mouth, but rather, from the ring he always carried with him faithfully. His friends respected him for his decision on his companionship.
The times when Peter met up with Jonathan were very irregular due to Peter’s work schedule and other factors.
Chapter 3
As time went by, Peter got to know more and more friends from the internet and met them up for coffee and outings. He did also engage in some flings behind Jonathan’s back like those of kissing and hugging. Which in the eyes of Peter were just simply for flirt. There was also a couple of times when the guys he hang out with, despite knowing he is already attached confessed that they love him. He was unmoved by most of them even though he kept in contact with them.
His reason being that, they were still people whom he feels comfortable chatting with. Not because of their advances on him. And most of the time, he will push away any act of intimacy which violates him in terms of his current companionship with Jonathan. He carries Jonathan in his heart wherever he goes even at work, with wearing a ring on his neck.
However, a few months into his strong relationship, he could not stand the temptation that was presented to him and he fell into the love trap. He started to have feelings for someone he got to know for a while now. They will meet up occasionally for coffee and end up kissing and hugging in nude.
The guy that he met up with is single, and was much older than his Jonathan. They would usually exchange text messages a few times daily and crap on MSN messenger as well. The guy is also aware that Peter is attached. He once did confess that he too liked peter, moreover, he knows that there is nothing much he could do except to treat Peter like a close friend of his. And he knows his limits in this game of love. That everything can come to a close overnight. And it could either make or break a relationship should Peter’s boyfriend find out about this scandalous act of theirs.
Peter treated this affair as a side dish, and he did not really commit himself in such a fling. He knows very well the consequences that could happen should he get too deeply involved in this extra affair. It could lead to a breakup with his boyfriend and even worse, unexpected events could follow.
The affair lasted for the remaining years of his companionship till the day Jonathan saw Peter and his friend together on the streets.
Days later, Jonathan confronted Peter about what was happening and the truth came to light… Peter was having a 1year odd affair with another guy behind his back. He felt angry and cheated and wanted to deliver a slap on peter’s face. Yet, feeling very heart broken, he broke down and started crying. Asking Peter, why did you do this to me? Don’t you know how much I love you and how much I care for you? Why are you still doing this to me? Is it because I did not spend enough time with you or what?
Peter was numb with nothing to say. And moments later, he too began to drip tears for he realized his biggest mistake is to have an affair with another guy for 1 year and being very unfaithful to his boyfriend.
He wanted to hug his boyfriend… but, everything was just too late. His boyfriend was long gone even before he realized it. Though they still kept in contact, but the deep hole in Jonathan’s heart will never be healed again. It left a very deep scar, which only time will heal. And the trust that Jonathan had on Peter was long gone with the broken heart.
Chapter 4
Slowly, I recovered from my deep thoughts into the past. With a pool of tears already gathering beneath my desk. Now, after being single for 5months now, thinking back about what a nasty person I have been to be in a companionship yet having an affair with someone else… I really hate myself to the core.
Every since the final verdict, I still kept in contact with the guy I had an affair with. But, we no longer meet up that often and no longer kissing and hugging in nude. He is now happily attached with me left feeling sour. All has come and gone too fast, I do treasure every bits of this bitter sweet love that I had. However, the rainbow that I once had is now nowhere to be seen. How sad can life really be? Sometimes I really wonder? Thinking back, I really hope that I had not had an affair and should be more faithful and cherish the love and care that I was very fortunate to have. And to be tearing leads me to understand that my love for him is not just a come and go. It’s really very deep inside me, till now I can still feel the pain and I fear loving another person. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, I just want to get a life, live life more peacefully for now till I am ready for the next train to hop on for a smoother journey and stay on it for as long as my life lasts.
I guess opportunities dun always wait on us, there will always be an expiry date attached and if we are not fast enough, we will just miss it and it will never come back to take us for a second ride. That remains very true even after the day you die. I guess in life we should treasure everything we have or possess, nothing is permanent. Everything in life form can just come and go without notice.
Even our own life has an expiry date, through the course of 2 years of love and being a student nurse, I have learnt a lot about life about how we should cherish everything we have. Nothing lasts, and everyone of us maybe alive today. What about tomorrow? We might be buried or burn into ashes. Nothing is predictable in this world, the world is fast changing and evolving, no one knows where we will be tomorrow, as in this saying “yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift”. And today is exactly a gift and we should be happy that we can still live to see the day… but well, what is death then? Well, death is a continuation of life.
Maybe I just think too much sometimes, and I really mean that I think a lot. Not for saying only, I hope I will heal my sorrow and my wound soon.
Afterword
This scandalous story is not exactly very spicy. It is very plain and simply put – on the surface of having affairs. Hope you enjoyed reading it, and rethink about life. The inspiration came from the recent scandal I overhead. And, well… nothing is based on true life. Really, everything is being faked up.
Written: 12 June 2005
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
lost love :: May 11, 2005
Can love be lost? Or forgiven?
Disclaimer: The characters featured in this story are fictional and have no relation to real life beings.
Chapter 1
Does love actually exist in real life? I wonder… never had I fallen for 3 people over a period of 3 months… one love after another, I wonder if I was human or am I a machine who lust for love?
It all began 2 years ago, with my admission into a tertiary institution. My course is female-dominated. With just only a few males around, getting a girlfriend was as easy as ABC. Given the charm I have in myself, with that sunshine smile always on my face, I felt confident of getting a girl friend in a matter of a few days.
It did not matter to me which girl got attracted to me, so long as they have the right attitude and character, I’ll consider them a possible candidate for my love and affection.
Yet, I was proven wrong, with my first love. Never had I been rejected that badly, it was the first time, I felt so bad about it altogether.
I came to know Clare from my course. She is a plum average looking girl, an Indian Chinese to be exact. I guess, it was love at first sight that I decided to get close to her. I got attracted to her, for her sincerity in making friends and making everyone feel at home.
Within days, my affections for her started to grow; every encounter with her was very nice and pleasant. I was not even aware that I have fallen for her secretly. In a matter of weeks, words spread about me holding a torch for her. I started to get distant from her, as she was back stabbing me behind her back. To make matters worse, I actually heard her back stabbing me one fine day while we were in the lift.
I was very hurt that I asked myself, am I sure she is the one when she keeps back stabbing you?
My answer was, yes, I’m sure I don’ judge a book by its cover, neither will I judge a person by her attitude. So what is the reason why I love her? Again, the same question popped into my mind – my answer was, she is cute, jumpy and makes a good companion.
Everything to me was nice, even the slightest glitch many see in her were being missed or ignored by me. I became ignorant, while making sure she did not know I had fallen for her. Slowly, day by day, I tried to get closer to her, yet I failed to get close enough to her.
Fear has already started to over take her, and confront her. She got scared of me, then did I realize what all the back stab was about. She felt that I was getting too close to her, and she felt puzzled over what was actually happening.
This feeling lasted for weeks, I made no move to tell her. Though, I blogged my feelings out on the web.
---------------------
One fine evening, we happen to be having out dinner in school. During dinner, a group of us were gathered together at the fast food outlet in school. While seated enjoying my dinner at opposite ends of the long table, I over heard that she already has got someone she loves. I decided to give up loving her, I felt, since she is attached; there I no need for me to say any further. I decided to retreat from this love, I felt that I do not want to end up holding a torch and further more, loving someone who does not even love you is not something that I will want to do.
However, words spread from my blog. A few days later, while in the library, I was cornered by the girls in my class to answer this question – “is it true that you like Clare?”
I gathered myself, thinking, where did you find out that I have feelings for Clare?
I asked “where did you hear this from?”
“Sorry, we happen to be browsing your Friendster and saw your blog too.” replied Carol.
“hmm, well, let’s just say, I don’t like her anymore. As of last night.” I replied calmy.
“So, it’s true that you like her right? Why suddenly change your mind?” Carol asked with a surprise look on her face.
“hey, let’s just put it simply, she loves someone else, so… I think… I should just give up since I know where I stand in her heart” I replied, in a slightly low tone.
After hearing that, Clare stood up from the desk and ran towards the exit. Moments later, I was left alone – the girls have all went after Clare. Alone to think, what did I say wrongly?
I felt so bad about revealing the truth to them, why am I suppose to feel this way, when in the first place I had did nothing wrong. I had only just expressed my thoughts and feelings. Nothing more did matter to me at all.
---------------------
After that incident, I did not see her for a few days. Was worried sick as she did not attend lessons. I decided to get some 2 small teddy bears, a letter “C” and a “Get well soon” one. On the day I saw her, I passed them to her in the morning. It was our last day in school for the term.
Just as everything was suppose to seem like a nice ending. I blew my top, what actually happened? There was this ignorant classmate – Jane who kept meddling with my name, even after I explained to her the right pronunciation. She kept saying it wrongly in a very playful tone. I got furious after having to correct her a lot of times. In the end, I screamed right into her face outside the lecture theatre.
While all eyes were suddenly fixed on me, I walked calmly into the lecture hall. I was filled with anguish which ate up my soul. I felt empty inside me, as for jane, she cried outside the lecture theatre. When I saw her weeping one hour later, I decided to make an apology to her. She simply ignored me, to complicate matters, Clare returned me the 2 bears which I gave her 1 hour before our last lecture. Her reason was, she felt she could not accept me, she told Teresa to return me the bears. My heart was broken and angry, angry for what I did, broken because she decided to reject me.
As for the fate of the two cute bears, I threw them into the bin outside the lecture hall. Our story ended just like that. Were we friends, my answer was simply no, from then on – I became the irritating housefly in her eyes.
Chapter 2
After the incident, I was feeling down for the days that following until I met a friend on friendster. He added me, I was surprised that we clicked at first chat. I guess, everyone does especially on the net.
The interesting part was that we felt like twins, as we shared most of the common traits, our thinking were almost the same, he felt like a brother to me. We got very close in just one day’s chat. And decided to meet up for the first time a few days later.
Little did I realize he is gay. I was not against gay, as I have a very keen interest in knowing them more. They belong and live in this world, my exposure to the gay circle begain in late sixteen. Back then, I was curious of how they lead their lifestyle. However, little did I realize I will get hooked by the way of life. It was not something that I feel is bad, moreover, the society we live him discriminates them. I did not regard myself gay because of my encounter with him, I felt that I want to know more friends from different walks of life. Not just from the straight people, but also from gays, lesbians and bisexuals. I do not discriminate them, now that I am in my late seventeen, I feel, I’m able to tolerate them – as I am also gay.
Living in a low profile status was what I did, my feelings for his friend I got to know wasn’t that strong. Even when we were chatting on the phone, I felt a sense of friendliness. As for him, he painted a very beautiful picture of me, which later ended up to be very ugly. Why was that so? He felt that I wasn’t his type of guy, I felt so hurt, after our first meeting, his has put on high hopes on himself and ended up falling deeply into the trench.
I felt that I had fallen deeply for him after our first meeting, with him feeling yet the opposite. My life took a drastic turn. I began to think, why, why did I fall for Clare when I already know I am Gay? Was I just curious to experiment with a straight lifestyle, or am I in denial about being Gay?
These questions constantly popped into my mind, and I started to wonder, why did he decide to dump me after our first meet? Why? It is just so funny and irritating; yet finding an answer was never easy. That was when I decided to talk to Amanda and she was one of the first straight friends to know that I had… become Gay.
I suffered very deep depression during my vacation, to complicate matters, I felt a sense of living hell in me. reading through my past in my mind and analyzing every tiny detail of the happenings, trying to search my soul for an answer which I could never find.
By the end of 1 week, I decided it was time to move on. I called my god sister one fine day and asked her out for a movie.
Chapter 3
It was our first encounter alone, just the 2 of us going out for a movie at orchard area. It was a Sunday before the school reopen. The feeling she gave me was nice, much like a little sister. Which I had so wanted badly when I was young, yet now, I felt I do not need anymore.
After the movie, we decided to shop around abit in the mall and we started to hug where ever we went to from the travellator on level 1 to the basement 2. After we finished window shopping, we walked down a quiet lane, along the way, we continued our friendship hug.
I felt a sense of reassurance that I felt good to be hugged. It was the friendship hug I had wanted. To be assured that everything is fine, I felt insecure and the hug was able to mask this feeling.
The following week in school, we were very close together that our classmates begain to wonder if I was into my 2nd relationship in just 3 months. Little did they know that she is my god sister - Joanne. I kept my gay status low profile, as I did not want anyone to know I was gay and worse, for them to start their tongues wagging and questions popping out from their head.
Despite that, back stabbing again took place. When I was feeling very down, she will always be there for me, to give me a hug. In school, we will go to the koi pond and hug during our lesson break.
It was the longest hug I had with anyone. Just as everything seemed so fine, suddenly rumours began to spread that I was interested in her. I got annoyed about it, with the girls backstabbing me left, right, front, back. My distance with her began to drift, yet we continued to act as normal as possible in school.
Everyday after school, I will meet her at the locker and accompany her to the bus stop. Weeks later, some classmates approached me. They sense something amiss, and asked me what was happening. They were really my good friends in class, and they never did believe those rumors they heard and I did not even blog my happenings with her on my blog either.
One day, Sue asks me what was happening between me and Joanne. I explained myself to her that we were just god brother and sisters. Her senses told her that it is either I led her to be very close to me just like boyfriend and girlfriend as she came from a all girls school or I was leading her to intimacy and self-destruction. As she seems to be over caring for me and friends are getting the wrong idea that she is my girlfriend.
After that incident, I decided to come clean with her that I only treat her as my god sister and there is nothing between us and we should not hug in school as it was to prevent any misunderstanding from occurring.
She understood what I said, however, I suddenly felt weird. Did I love her to have a very special bond with her? That puzzled me a lot.
Days later, I confess that I like her. She told me she needed time to think. During that 1 week long cooling off period, I spend my time by the swimming pool swimming and trying to sort my thoughts through.
Few days later, I got her answer, she decided to reject my love and we got back to normal as friends and god siblings relation. Things were much better after that, and the rumours stopped spreading. All came to a closure, yet, a scar has formed deep inside me - and I came to realize, my world was not the same anymore. I came out to myself that I was after all someone who had no feelings for girls at all. People may think that I am jerk afterall, yet, I have came to realize what I want in life – to be happy and be respectful of my sexuality – not live in denial.
Does true love actually exist in the real world? I guess, I will never be able to find out. After this ordeal, and coming out to myself about my feelings for myself, I hope that I will live a much happier life and just ignore anymore rumors that hinder my daily living.
My thoughts
I decided to write this story as a compensation of my previously abandoned 3 works. It reflects on 3 different themes, feelings of love, finding out one’s true identity and realizing the feelings of complication between friendship and love, and how it can sometimes cross the line to become love.
There are many definitions of love - intimacy, affection, friendship, kinship and the list goes on. I hope you have enjoyed this piece of story.
This story is a mix of real life events and imaginary thoughts. But, the characters have no direct relation to real life events, they are mostly imagination.
Written: May 11, 2005
Disclaimer: The characters featured in this story are fictional and have no relation to real life beings.
Chapter 1
Does love actually exist in real life? I wonder… never had I fallen for 3 people over a period of 3 months… one love after another, I wonder if I was human or am I a machine who lust for love?
It all began 2 years ago, with my admission into a tertiary institution. My course is female-dominated. With just only a few males around, getting a girlfriend was as easy as ABC. Given the charm I have in myself, with that sunshine smile always on my face, I felt confident of getting a girl friend in a matter of a few days.
It did not matter to me which girl got attracted to me, so long as they have the right attitude and character, I’ll consider them a possible candidate for my love and affection.
Yet, I was proven wrong, with my first love. Never had I been rejected that badly, it was the first time, I felt so bad about it altogether.
I came to know Clare from my course. She is a plum average looking girl, an Indian Chinese to be exact. I guess, it was love at first sight that I decided to get close to her. I got attracted to her, for her sincerity in making friends and making everyone feel at home.
Within days, my affections for her started to grow; every encounter with her was very nice and pleasant. I was not even aware that I have fallen for her secretly. In a matter of weeks, words spread about me holding a torch for her. I started to get distant from her, as she was back stabbing me behind her back. To make matters worse, I actually heard her back stabbing me one fine day while we were in the lift.
I was very hurt that I asked myself, am I sure she is the one when she keeps back stabbing you?
My answer was, yes, I’m sure I don’ judge a book by its cover, neither will I judge a person by her attitude. So what is the reason why I love her? Again, the same question popped into my mind – my answer was, she is cute, jumpy and makes a good companion.
Everything to me was nice, even the slightest glitch many see in her were being missed or ignored by me. I became ignorant, while making sure she did not know I had fallen for her. Slowly, day by day, I tried to get closer to her, yet I failed to get close enough to her.
Fear has already started to over take her, and confront her. She got scared of me, then did I realize what all the back stab was about. She felt that I was getting too close to her, and she felt puzzled over what was actually happening.
This feeling lasted for weeks, I made no move to tell her. Though, I blogged my feelings out on the web.
---------------------
One fine evening, we happen to be having out dinner in school. During dinner, a group of us were gathered together at the fast food outlet in school. While seated enjoying my dinner at opposite ends of the long table, I over heard that she already has got someone she loves. I decided to give up loving her, I felt, since she is attached; there I no need for me to say any further. I decided to retreat from this love, I felt that I do not want to end up holding a torch and further more, loving someone who does not even love you is not something that I will want to do.
However, words spread from my blog. A few days later, while in the library, I was cornered by the girls in my class to answer this question – “is it true that you like Clare?”
I gathered myself, thinking, where did you find out that I have feelings for Clare?
I asked “where did you hear this from?”
“Sorry, we happen to be browsing your Friendster and saw your blog too.” replied Carol.
“hmm, well, let’s just say, I don’t like her anymore. As of last night.” I replied calmy.
“So, it’s true that you like her right? Why suddenly change your mind?” Carol asked with a surprise look on her face.
“hey, let’s just put it simply, she loves someone else, so… I think… I should just give up since I know where I stand in her heart” I replied, in a slightly low tone.
After hearing that, Clare stood up from the desk and ran towards the exit. Moments later, I was left alone – the girls have all went after Clare. Alone to think, what did I say wrongly?
I felt so bad about revealing the truth to them, why am I suppose to feel this way, when in the first place I had did nothing wrong. I had only just expressed my thoughts and feelings. Nothing more did matter to me at all.
---------------------
After that incident, I did not see her for a few days. Was worried sick as she did not attend lessons. I decided to get some 2 small teddy bears, a letter “C” and a “Get well soon” one. On the day I saw her, I passed them to her in the morning. It was our last day in school for the term.
Just as everything was suppose to seem like a nice ending. I blew my top, what actually happened? There was this ignorant classmate – Jane who kept meddling with my name, even after I explained to her the right pronunciation. She kept saying it wrongly in a very playful tone. I got furious after having to correct her a lot of times. In the end, I screamed right into her face outside the lecture theatre.
While all eyes were suddenly fixed on me, I walked calmly into the lecture hall. I was filled with anguish which ate up my soul. I felt empty inside me, as for jane, she cried outside the lecture theatre. When I saw her weeping one hour later, I decided to make an apology to her. She simply ignored me, to complicate matters, Clare returned me the 2 bears which I gave her 1 hour before our last lecture. Her reason was, she felt she could not accept me, she told Teresa to return me the bears. My heart was broken and angry, angry for what I did, broken because she decided to reject me.
As for the fate of the two cute bears, I threw them into the bin outside the lecture hall. Our story ended just like that. Were we friends, my answer was simply no, from then on – I became the irritating housefly in her eyes.
Chapter 2
After the incident, I was feeling down for the days that following until I met a friend on friendster. He added me, I was surprised that we clicked at first chat. I guess, everyone does especially on the net.
The interesting part was that we felt like twins, as we shared most of the common traits, our thinking were almost the same, he felt like a brother to me. We got very close in just one day’s chat. And decided to meet up for the first time a few days later.
Little did I realize he is gay. I was not against gay, as I have a very keen interest in knowing them more. They belong and live in this world, my exposure to the gay circle begain in late sixteen. Back then, I was curious of how they lead their lifestyle. However, little did I realize I will get hooked by the way of life. It was not something that I feel is bad, moreover, the society we live him discriminates them. I did not regard myself gay because of my encounter with him, I felt that I want to know more friends from different walks of life. Not just from the straight people, but also from gays, lesbians and bisexuals. I do not discriminate them, now that I am in my late seventeen, I feel, I’m able to tolerate them – as I am also gay.
Living in a low profile status was what I did, my feelings for his friend I got to know wasn’t that strong. Even when we were chatting on the phone, I felt a sense of friendliness. As for him, he painted a very beautiful picture of me, which later ended up to be very ugly. Why was that so? He felt that I wasn’t his type of guy, I felt so hurt, after our first meeting, his has put on high hopes on himself and ended up falling deeply into the trench.
I felt that I had fallen deeply for him after our first meeting, with him feeling yet the opposite. My life took a drastic turn. I began to think, why, why did I fall for Clare when I already know I am Gay? Was I just curious to experiment with a straight lifestyle, or am I in denial about being Gay?
These questions constantly popped into my mind, and I started to wonder, why did he decide to dump me after our first meet? Why? It is just so funny and irritating; yet finding an answer was never easy. That was when I decided to talk to Amanda and she was one of the first straight friends to know that I had… become Gay.
I suffered very deep depression during my vacation, to complicate matters, I felt a sense of living hell in me. reading through my past in my mind and analyzing every tiny detail of the happenings, trying to search my soul for an answer which I could never find.
By the end of 1 week, I decided it was time to move on. I called my god sister one fine day and asked her out for a movie.
Chapter 3
It was our first encounter alone, just the 2 of us going out for a movie at orchard area. It was a Sunday before the school reopen. The feeling she gave me was nice, much like a little sister. Which I had so wanted badly when I was young, yet now, I felt I do not need anymore.
After the movie, we decided to shop around abit in the mall and we started to hug where ever we went to from the travellator on level 1 to the basement 2. After we finished window shopping, we walked down a quiet lane, along the way, we continued our friendship hug.
I felt a sense of reassurance that I felt good to be hugged. It was the friendship hug I had wanted. To be assured that everything is fine, I felt insecure and the hug was able to mask this feeling.
The following week in school, we were very close together that our classmates begain to wonder if I was into my 2nd relationship in just 3 months. Little did they know that she is my god sister - Joanne. I kept my gay status low profile, as I did not want anyone to know I was gay and worse, for them to start their tongues wagging and questions popping out from their head.
Despite that, back stabbing again took place. When I was feeling very down, she will always be there for me, to give me a hug. In school, we will go to the koi pond and hug during our lesson break.
It was the longest hug I had with anyone. Just as everything seemed so fine, suddenly rumours began to spread that I was interested in her. I got annoyed about it, with the girls backstabbing me left, right, front, back. My distance with her began to drift, yet we continued to act as normal as possible in school.
Everyday after school, I will meet her at the locker and accompany her to the bus stop. Weeks later, some classmates approached me. They sense something amiss, and asked me what was happening. They were really my good friends in class, and they never did believe those rumors they heard and I did not even blog my happenings with her on my blog either.
One day, Sue asks me what was happening between me and Joanne. I explained myself to her that we were just god brother and sisters. Her senses told her that it is either I led her to be very close to me just like boyfriend and girlfriend as she came from a all girls school or I was leading her to intimacy and self-destruction. As she seems to be over caring for me and friends are getting the wrong idea that she is my girlfriend.
After that incident, I decided to come clean with her that I only treat her as my god sister and there is nothing between us and we should not hug in school as it was to prevent any misunderstanding from occurring.
She understood what I said, however, I suddenly felt weird. Did I love her to have a very special bond with her? That puzzled me a lot.
Days later, I confess that I like her. She told me she needed time to think. During that 1 week long cooling off period, I spend my time by the swimming pool swimming and trying to sort my thoughts through.
Few days later, I got her answer, she decided to reject my love and we got back to normal as friends and god siblings relation. Things were much better after that, and the rumours stopped spreading. All came to a closure, yet, a scar has formed deep inside me - and I came to realize, my world was not the same anymore. I came out to myself that I was after all someone who had no feelings for girls at all. People may think that I am jerk afterall, yet, I have came to realize what I want in life – to be happy and be respectful of my sexuality – not live in denial.
Does true love actually exist in the real world? I guess, I will never be able to find out. After this ordeal, and coming out to myself about my feelings for myself, I hope that I will live a much happier life and just ignore anymore rumors that hinder my daily living.
My thoughts
I decided to write this story as a compensation of my previously abandoned 3 works. It reflects on 3 different themes, feelings of love, finding out one’s true identity and realizing the feelings of complication between friendship and love, and how it can sometimes cross the line to become love.
There are many definitions of love - intimacy, affection, friendship, kinship and the list goes on. I hope you have enjoyed this piece of story.
This story is a mix of real life events and imaginary thoughts. But, the characters have no direct relation to real life events, they are mostly imagination.
Written: May 11, 2005
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
The Letter :: May 10, 2005
The Letter
All living beings whether dead or alive are in no relation to the characters in the story.
Chapter 1
In a sleepless night, my mind went a blank. Far into the deep darkness in my own well lit room, I began to write - a story that came etched into my mind. I wonder, why such sleepless nights do occur in me. It has been in me for nights now. Every night, I end up tossing and turning in bed or end up sleeping very late into the night. Why? Why does this have to occur to me?
All these feeling of lost, emptiness, seems like I am all but just an empty shell. As a19 year old living in a world full of love that doesn’t even exist at all. It can be very scary, to the point no return.
The night seemed cold, yet I couldn’t sleep. To make matters worse, I feel jealously deep down inside me. It is eating up my youth, my feelings, my moods, my everything. I feel as good as a lifeless shell. Everyday is like no other – all just a living hell. Everyone around me seems so foreign.
Every street that I pass by seemed empty and I feel so numb. My life feels so undriven. I was much livelier, much happier months ago. Ever since I got to know him, my world began to take a change. A very big change that turned me and my life upside down.
I felt completely lost in a world of the unknown. In just 2 years, since I stepped into the circle, everyone, everything around me seemed different. I hate this feeling altogether, I know I’m rambling on and on about how unfair the world is. Yet, I can’t help it, but simply whimper in my own sorrow. Crying like a child over spilled milk, life is never as easy as how your mother once taught you ABC. It is much, much more than these basics.
I have over the years got stronger and be able to cover up my inner most feelings from everyone. Including friends who cared for me. I lived in a world of my own, growing stronger with each fall.
Yet, never had I feel so strange, to be strongly attached to someone who I merely met for 2 times and only know for 1 month odd. And the fact that someone I know also loves the same person made me see red. Moreover, I chose to let go, to give up to let the person get him, and just stand by the side helping him with each step, while still feeling a sense of jealousy for nothing.
It all began with him asking me if I know who this friend of mine is. Back then, being such a naïve rabbit, I told him that he is my friend. A fellow school mate, already, feeling a sense of betrayal in myself. I felt that I was betraying myself, my own words, yet dismissing them. Why? Because I never really felt very close to him. Ever since the beginning, he has already told me his reasons for not wanting to date people my age. I took his words, I admire his wisdom, I love him for who he is, but never did I reveal my true feelings for him. I wasn’t sure of them myself, let alone to even consider a confession.
It never occurred to me, I will end up having such a strong affection for him. Yet, I chose to leave him, to give up, I just want him as a normal, maybe close friend. That way, I will be consoling myself that well, it’s just fated this way.
Chapter 2
On the other hand, I was helping my friend. Giving him advice when the need arises, yet making sure I do not hurt the ones I love and only provide what I need to, without giving away too much of what I know. I believe in protecting the privacy of others, yet whenever we talk about him, I’ll sense jealously within myself.
Am I ready to love him? My answer is a no. I fear losing him, I fear I could not commit, I feel inferior, I need to get over my previous failed relationship. I want to be single.
There’s just too many excuses I give myself to help me cover up myself, my thots, my moods from everyone. Yet, my friend is able to sense them. Even though the one I love is kept in the dark, there is no way I will ever want him to know my inner feelings. Even if he knows, I fear disaster, I fear we will end, become strangers, no longer friends.
I may look like someone who is not serious and someone who doesn’t care. Yet deep down inside my heart, I am weak, full of insecurity.
------------------------
One night, I decided to write this letter to him, though, I doubt he will get to see me once more.
“Hi love,
If you are reading this, I’m writing to bid farewell to you. I’ll be leaving this world for a faraway land. To a place of tranquility and peace. I thank you for all the love and care you have showered me through our 1 month long friendship.
I treasure you as a lover as well as a friend. Deep inside me, I have a strong feeling for you, yet I fear expressing them to you. I fear rejection, I fear that our love is forbidden, I fear I am not good for you. And lastly, despite my struggle, I have chosen to give up my pursue of love for you, and let the someone else who is deeply in love for you have the chance.
Here I shall sign off. Will always remember you. For I know how much you meant to me.
Sign off,
Secret Admirer”
With this letter written on a purplish paper, I folded the letter and wrote his address down. Mailed it out the following day morning. The following night, I attempted suicide, with popping of 50 sleeping pills. Not long after, I felt a flying sensation, I was gone with from this living world. I flew into the land I called paradise where there is no suffering.
Chapter 3
Upon receiving the letter a day after the death, the lover got a shocked of his life. The friend, also felt badly. They both felt he did the most silliest thing – to commit suicide for no apparent reason.
They felt sorry, yet do not know what to do. They could only chant their prayers for him and wish him a better next life.
Afterword:
I wrote this in less than 30minutes. Was suppose to be sleeping, yet I could not sleep. This story is ironical, and the fact that the secret admirer is stubborn to commit suicide makes it more like a tragedy. Despite being a shy and emotional person in cover, I wonder what the world is coming to. Just hope people don’t commit suicide over love, it doesn’t make much sense at all.
My feelings:
I wrote this out of my thots. I can’t sleep because of what I am feeling – a sense of loss, yet not showing it in real life, while helping friends solving their problems. And I am not ready to love anyone, even though I show feelings for the person. Do I regard him as my god bro, or am I really in love with him. I do not know, I don’t want to know either. I just want to lead a carefree and happy life.
All living beings whether dead or alive are in no relation to the characters in the story.
Chapter 1
In a sleepless night, my mind went a blank. Far into the deep darkness in my own well lit room, I began to write - a story that came etched into my mind. I wonder, why such sleepless nights do occur in me. It has been in me for nights now. Every night, I end up tossing and turning in bed or end up sleeping very late into the night. Why? Why does this have to occur to me?
All these feeling of lost, emptiness, seems like I am all but just an empty shell. As a19 year old living in a world full of love that doesn’t even exist at all. It can be very scary, to the point no return.
The night seemed cold, yet I couldn’t sleep. To make matters worse, I feel jealously deep down inside me. It is eating up my youth, my feelings, my moods, my everything. I feel as good as a lifeless shell. Everyday is like no other – all just a living hell. Everyone around me seems so foreign.
Every street that I pass by seemed empty and I feel so numb. My life feels so undriven. I was much livelier, much happier months ago. Ever since I got to know him, my world began to take a change. A very big change that turned me and my life upside down.
I felt completely lost in a world of the unknown. In just 2 years, since I stepped into the circle, everyone, everything around me seemed different. I hate this feeling altogether, I know I’m rambling on and on about how unfair the world is. Yet, I can’t help it, but simply whimper in my own sorrow. Crying like a child over spilled milk, life is never as easy as how your mother once taught you ABC. It is much, much more than these basics.
I have over the years got stronger and be able to cover up my inner most feelings from everyone. Including friends who cared for me. I lived in a world of my own, growing stronger with each fall.
Yet, never had I feel so strange, to be strongly attached to someone who I merely met for 2 times and only know for 1 month odd. And the fact that someone I know also loves the same person made me see red. Moreover, I chose to let go, to give up to let the person get him, and just stand by the side helping him with each step, while still feeling a sense of jealousy for nothing.
It all began with him asking me if I know who this friend of mine is. Back then, being such a naïve rabbit, I told him that he is my friend. A fellow school mate, already, feeling a sense of betrayal in myself. I felt that I was betraying myself, my own words, yet dismissing them. Why? Because I never really felt very close to him. Ever since the beginning, he has already told me his reasons for not wanting to date people my age. I took his words, I admire his wisdom, I love him for who he is, but never did I reveal my true feelings for him. I wasn’t sure of them myself, let alone to even consider a confession.
It never occurred to me, I will end up having such a strong affection for him. Yet, I chose to leave him, to give up, I just want him as a normal, maybe close friend. That way, I will be consoling myself that well, it’s just fated this way.
Chapter 2
On the other hand, I was helping my friend. Giving him advice when the need arises, yet making sure I do not hurt the ones I love and only provide what I need to, without giving away too much of what I know. I believe in protecting the privacy of others, yet whenever we talk about him, I’ll sense jealously within myself.
Am I ready to love him? My answer is a no. I fear losing him, I fear I could not commit, I feel inferior, I need to get over my previous failed relationship. I want to be single.
There’s just too many excuses I give myself to help me cover up myself, my thots, my moods from everyone. Yet, my friend is able to sense them. Even though the one I love is kept in the dark, there is no way I will ever want him to know my inner feelings. Even if he knows, I fear disaster, I fear we will end, become strangers, no longer friends.
I may look like someone who is not serious and someone who doesn’t care. Yet deep down inside my heart, I am weak, full of insecurity.
------------------------
One night, I decided to write this letter to him, though, I doubt he will get to see me once more.
“Hi love,
If you are reading this, I’m writing to bid farewell to you. I’ll be leaving this world for a faraway land. To a place of tranquility and peace. I thank you for all the love and care you have showered me through our 1 month long friendship.
I treasure you as a lover as well as a friend. Deep inside me, I have a strong feeling for you, yet I fear expressing them to you. I fear rejection, I fear that our love is forbidden, I fear I am not good for you. And lastly, despite my struggle, I have chosen to give up my pursue of love for you, and let the someone else who is deeply in love for you have the chance.
Here I shall sign off. Will always remember you. For I know how much you meant to me.
Sign off,
Secret Admirer”
With this letter written on a purplish paper, I folded the letter and wrote his address down. Mailed it out the following day morning. The following night, I attempted suicide, with popping of 50 sleeping pills. Not long after, I felt a flying sensation, I was gone with from this living world. I flew into the land I called paradise where there is no suffering.
Chapter 3
Upon receiving the letter a day after the death, the lover got a shocked of his life. The friend, also felt badly. They both felt he did the most silliest thing – to commit suicide for no apparent reason.
They felt sorry, yet do not know what to do. They could only chant their prayers for him and wish him a better next life.
Afterword:
I wrote this in less than 30minutes. Was suppose to be sleeping, yet I could not sleep. This story is ironical, and the fact that the secret admirer is stubborn to commit suicide makes it more like a tragedy. Despite being a shy and emotional person in cover, I wonder what the world is coming to. Just hope people don’t commit suicide over love, it doesn’t make much sense at all.
My feelings:
I wrote this out of my thots. I can’t sleep because of what I am feeling – a sense of loss, yet not showing it in real life, while helping friends solving their problems. And I am not ready to love anyone, even though I show feelings for the person. Do I regard him as my god bro, or am I really in love with him. I do not know, I don’t want to know either. I just want to lead a carefree and happy life.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Fate :: April 6, 2005
Does fate really exist in this world? Sometimes, this appears in my mind… for moments, i would think…. And the thinking will continue for hours… since 2 months back, after the last time I saw him, my mind has been like whirlwind full of thoughts and flashbacks into the past.
The past where we would spend time together… hanging out on weekends, like close buddies, the confession I made to him… 2months before his departure and the time he took to reply to me… all this while, no answer was given, neither any clear indication.
The only thing I heard of is his unknown, and shock when I confessed to him that I liked him. He took it by surprise as it has never occurred to him that I will love him. However, deep inside me I know that whatever lies ahead of me, I will face then consequences like a true Gemini. Though, according to the horoscope, Gemini’s are known to be intellectual and indecisive twins. Yet, they belong to a world of both introvert and extrovert.
I wonder what is to come for the future that lies ahead of me. Deep in my thoughts, every night, I will think and ponder whether the wait for him is worth it or not. In the hallucinations at night, I will see him; feel him near me, even though he is far away from me – in Australia. He has gone there to further his studies. While I’m staying put here in Singapore to pursue my degree in Mass Communication. Time flies, we have not been in contact ever since he left me, out friendship has come to a sudden stop. On the day of his departure, I did not see him off, even though it was the day he was suppose to give me an answer. An answer that will decide our fate, on what we will become.
A few weeks before his departure, he started to turn on a cold shoulder on everyone, everyone that he was once close to. All his good friends and buddies were all given a cold shoulder by him. No one ever knows what has happened, whether he was deeply hurt or what ever. No one ever found out.
During this time, I tried very hard to contact him, but I couldn’t bring myself the courage to ask him what has happened. I fear he will shun away from me, I fear the worst… I fear losing him… as a friend.
Now that everything has come and gone, my worries have all but subsided, yet… I felt more uneasy as the time went by… for I had missed my chance to ask him… “What is your answer to the last puzzle?” The day has come and gone. Without any answer in view, I waited… and waited… will that day ever come? I doubt so… will I keep on waiting for him? I don’t know… I only know that… Fate shall decide…
My Thots:
This is more of a contemplative thought than to be a story… it’s more of my inner self thoughts about life and how I feel about them…
The past where we would spend time together… hanging out on weekends, like close buddies, the confession I made to him… 2months before his departure and the time he took to reply to me… all this while, no answer was given, neither any clear indication.
The only thing I heard of is his unknown, and shock when I confessed to him that I liked him. He took it by surprise as it has never occurred to him that I will love him. However, deep inside me I know that whatever lies ahead of me, I will face then consequences like a true Gemini. Though, according to the horoscope, Gemini’s are known to be intellectual and indecisive twins. Yet, they belong to a world of both introvert and extrovert.
I wonder what is to come for the future that lies ahead of me. Deep in my thoughts, every night, I will think and ponder whether the wait for him is worth it or not. In the hallucinations at night, I will see him; feel him near me, even though he is far away from me – in Australia. He has gone there to further his studies. While I’m staying put here in Singapore to pursue my degree in Mass Communication. Time flies, we have not been in contact ever since he left me, out friendship has come to a sudden stop. On the day of his departure, I did not see him off, even though it was the day he was suppose to give me an answer. An answer that will decide our fate, on what we will become.
A few weeks before his departure, he started to turn on a cold shoulder on everyone, everyone that he was once close to. All his good friends and buddies were all given a cold shoulder by him. No one ever knows what has happened, whether he was deeply hurt or what ever. No one ever found out.
During this time, I tried very hard to contact him, but I couldn’t bring myself the courage to ask him what has happened. I fear he will shun away from me, I fear the worst… I fear losing him… as a friend.
Now that everything has come and gone, my worries have all but subsided, yet… I felt more uneasy as the time went by… for I had missed my chance to ask him… “What is your answer to the last puzzle?” The day has come and gone. Without any answer in view, I waited… and waited… will that day ever come? I doubt so… will I keep on waiting for him? I don’t know… I only know that… Fate shall decide…
My Thots:
This is more of a contemplative thought than to be a story… it’s more of my inner self thoughts about life and how I feel about them…
Thursday, March 24, 2005
living room :: March 24, 2005
Day and night, James wondered… when Jonathan will return to him… Jonathan left him… the next day after he slept on his thigh for the last time… in the living room of his apartment.
Disclaimer: Characters featured in this story are fictional and carries no relation to real life beings. All story and incidents are works of fiction.
Chapter 1: The living room
I stared out of the window, holding my favorite cat by my side at the window still. Gazing out across towards the open field, watching kids playing soccer in the evening sun. It was a fine scene, which I could observe every day. However, today was special; it marks the first anniversary Jonathan left me.
About a year ago, in the evening, I was over at his apartment, spending our last few hours together. He has been told by his manager that he will have to travel to Australia to work for five years, without much choice, he had to leave everything behind as it was a last minute decision and to fly alone with nothing, except for his credit card, passport and laptop. His daily necessities and housing has been pre-arranged for him by his company.
That evening, he told me about this breaking new, I thought it would mean we will never to together again. He assured me that he will be back, 1 year later, for us to meet at the same venue as well as to mark our 2nd anniversary together. Before he left, he had passed me his apartment key – and told me to maintain it while he was away. From then on, I became his housekeeper. He also left behind his favorite cat – Alice.
I took Alice home, the night he left. For the first few nights, Alice could not adapt to the new environment. She wanted to go home; she kept staring out of the door of my apartment, hoping to see him – as much as I miss him.
After a few sleepless nights, Alice finally realize that he will not be with us for a long while. And she began to explore the apartment and spend her time with me. I enjoyed her company as she reminds me of him. His playful side, how he values life as a whole. Every moment spend with him is something which money cannot buy. We live in our dreams, the lovely outings and nights we spend together, with each others company - especially weekends, where I will stay overnight at his place. To keep him companied, as well as to make up for the lost time from the hectic weekday we both have to endure.
Over the first few months, I felt I got used to living alone… with no one by my side every night except for Alice. We do exchange e-mails every week, and it was very exciting to be reading his e-mail messages and replying back. It slowly became routine, yet, the fun never dies down. However, few months later, our e-mails got lesser and lesser out of a sudden. We stopped e-mailing on another. He was getting more and busier with the developments over in Australia, being overly committed in his work, we drifted off literally. I took it lightly as it being a temporary. Even though I had the though of flying over to Perth to find him, yet I held myself back, telling myself, again and again that whatever he said, he will always execute.
The following half a year, I also started to get busier with a position shift in the corporate world. I rose from a normal staff to become an assistant editor for a Newsmagazine.
Chapter 2: Work Work Work…
Suddenly I woke up, Alice was licking my arms… suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I walked slowly towards it. Through the peep hole, I saw a very familiar figure. The sight of him made me want to give him a hug, a kiss and breakdown to tear. I miss him so badly, I felt that my heart has melted. We are now back together, I pray hard for it to be true.
I opened the door, put Alice down; gave him a long big hug, slammed the door closed and we started to kiss. It was a long and deep kiss we ever had. The last one being months ago, with tears already streaming down my eyes.
After being in the same position of hugging and non-stop kissing. I push him away, and looked into his eyes. I finally mumbled some words in front of him.
“How have you been Jonathan?” I asked.
“I guess I am fine. I finally am off work. I have been posted back to Singapore after 1 year of work overseas.” He replied with a smiley yet tired expression.
“Is that good? I mean, it has been a while since we last got together…” I said.
“Yea boy, finally, we are back together. You seem to have got fitter and tanner as well” he said.
“I thought I look more mature and old? I have been working on 50hour work week reviewing the articles by fellow journalists before I put them together for printing.” I said, still smiling.
“Oh! Really?? Guess I have been neglecting you for a while now… so sorry…” he said.
“What shall we do now? You want to go take a shower then we go our for dinner?” I asked.
“Sure, that would be a nice idea. Where shall we go for dinner?”
“How about having dinner at home?” I asked.
“Sure, the usual spaghetti. I miss your cooking” he said.
“okies, I have got the ingredients ready actually… gonna go prepare them now. Enjoy your long shower” I replied.
He went to take him shower, while I entered the kitchen to make his favorite pasta.
After shower, we sat down, to enjoy the hot pasta while having a toast of red wine and chatted till the wee hours while landing up in the living room while kissing and having hot bodies… soaked with sweat and a loving atmosphere. The nights seem young, yet, deep inside us, we are thankful for fate to bring us back together again. However, we hope that time didn’t move on that quickly afterall.
Afterword
A story inspired by a living room and a friends online blog on how he sat by the window with his cat. This was how I got the story pieced together, and well not to forget the feeling of sleeping by the lap.
Written: March 24, 2005
Disclaimer: Characters featured in this story are fictional and carries no relation to real life beings. All story and incidents are works of fiction.
Chapter 1: The living room
I stared out of the window, holding my favorite cat by my side at the window still. Gazing out across towards the open field, watching kids playing soccer in the evening sun. It was a fine scene, which I could observe every day. However, today was special; it marks the first anniversary Jonathan left me.
About a year ago, in the evening, I was over at his apartment, spending our last few hours together. He has been told by his manager that he will have to travel to Australia to work for five years, without much choice, he had to leave everything behind as it was a last minute decision and to fly alone with nothing, except for his credit card, passport and laptop. His daily necessities and housing has been pre-arranged for him by his company.
That evening, he told me about this breaking new, I thought it would mean we will never to together again. He assured me that he will be back, 1 year later, for us to meet at the same venue as well as to mark our 2nd anniversary together. Before he left, he had passed me his apartment key – and told me to maintain it while he was away. From then on, I became his housekeeper. He also left behind his favorite cat – Alice.
I took Alice home, the night he left. For the first few nights, Alice could not adapt to the new environment. She wanted to go home; she kept staring out of the door of my apartment, hoping to see him – as much as I miss him.
After a few sleepless nights, Alice finally realize that he will not be with us for a long while. And she began to explore the apartment and spend her time with me. I enjoyed her company as she reminds me of him. His playful side, how he values life as a whole. Every moment spend with him is something which money cannot buy. We live in our dreams, the lovely outings and nights we spend together, with each others company - especially weekends, where I will stay overnight at his place. To keep him companied, as well as to make up for the lost time from the hectic weekday we both have to endure.
Over the first few months, I felt I got used to living alone… with no one by my side every night except for Alice. We do exchange e-mails every week, and it was very exciting to be reading his e-mail messages and replying back. It slowly became routine, yet, the fun never dies down. However, few months later, our e-mails got lesser and lesser out of a sudden. We stopped e-mailing on another. He was getting more and busier with the developments over in Australia, being overly committed in his work, we drifted off literally. I took it lightly as it being a temporary. Even though I had the though of flying over to Perth to find him, yet I held myself back, telling myself, again and again that whatever he said, he will always execute.
The following half a year, I also started to get busier with a position shift in the corporate world. I rose from a normal staff to become an assistant editor for a Newsmagazine.
Chapter 2: Work Work Work…
Suddenly I woke up, Alice was licking my arms… suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I walked slowly towards it. Through the peep hole, I saw a very familiar figure. The sight of him made me want to give him a hug, a kiss and breakdown to tear. I miss him so badly, I felt that my heart has melted. We are now back together, I pray hard for it to be true.
I opened the door, put Alice down; gave him a long big hug, slammed the door closed and we started to kiss. It was a long and deep kiss we ever had. The last one being months ago, with tears already streaming down my eyes.
After being in the same position of hugging and non-stop kissing. I push him away, and looked into his eyes. I finally mumbled some words in front of him.
“How have you been Jonathan?” I asked.
“I guess I am fine. I finally am off work. I have been posted back to Singapore after 1 year of work overseas.” He replied with a smiley yet tired expression.
“Is that good? I mean, it has been a while since we last got together…” I said.
“Yea boy, finally, we are back together. You seem to have got fitter and tanner as well” he said.
“I thought I look more mature and old? I have been working on 50hour work week reviewing the articles by fellow journalists before I put them together for printing.” I said, still smiling.
“Oh! Really?? Guess I have been neglecting you for a while now… so sorry…” he said.
“What shall we do now? You want to go take a shower then we go our for dinner?” I asked.
“Sure, that would be a nice idea. Where shall we go for dinner?”
“How about having dinner at home?” I asked.
“Sure, the usual spaghetti. I miss your cooking” he said.
“okies, I have got the ingredients ready actually… gonna go prepare them now. Enjoy your long shower” I replied.
He went to take him shower, while I entered the kitchen to make his favorite pasta.
After shower, we sat down, to enjoy the hot pasta while having a toast of red wine and chatted till the wee hours while landing up in the living room while kissing and having hot bodies… soaked with sweat and a loving atmosphere. The nights seem young, yet, deep inside us, we are thankful for fate to bring us back together again. However, we hope that time didn’t move on that quickly afterall.
Afterword
A story inspired by a living room and a friends online blog on how he sat by the window with his cat. This was how I got the story pieced together, and well not to forget the feeling of sleeping by the lap.
Written: March 24, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
In the Closet :: March 15, 2005
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, all events and characters are in no way related to real life incidents or beings.
Chris lived a life full of obstacles and turbulences…. One day… he found his mystery love and however… could this prove to be a fruitful one?
Chapter One: Identity
As I stood by the barrier facing the view of the open sea… my mind started to switch to flash back mode… this happens whenever I go visit my favorite places on this small island nation – Singapore.
For the past 18 years of my life… they have been slowly flushed down the drain with no seeds of love being scattered… even if there were any, they proved to be fruitless. Ample of rejections were insight. Since the beginning when I started to search for my identity. Something which I feel is part of me, yet still unknown to my self. That is, my true self.
Whenever, I get bored, I will spend my free time hanging out alone or with friends at the esplanade, or even to have coffee at my favorite coffee chain – Starbucks®. I enjoy their special brew of beverages compared to the others seen around the island.
I would usually go for Café Mocha, which has a rich blend of coffee with chocolate. It taste and feels nice. An all time favorite of mine.
As I found a place to settle down by the esplanade bay, I started sipping my takeaway Café Mocha. Slowly, I raised my legs close to me… on the bench facing the sea… with coffee just by my side… and started to day dream… letting my imaginations run into the land of the unpredictable.
It was a great hideaway for me – to an unfamiliar place where it is filled with happiness more than with sadness. A place filled with love, care and concern – Far away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Into the arms of the slow paced country side life, where everyone will take their time to deal with the everyday living.
I wish life was that way, however, I knew it will never be possible for me to do that. Especially now, since I am only a student, and my only worry will be to study. And study becomes my main and only priority. Moreover, with hard work come great grades. With those flying colors that dresses up your result slips, aren’t they wonderful?
As my thinking went deeper, time seemed to have turned back into the past. I could still remember the days when I was searching for my true identity – to know if I am really only interested in men more than in women. Firstly, it all began in primary school. Back then, I will get attracted to men in the changing room, I will just look at their physic and admire them discreetly. I won’t say anything more, but just to observe. As time went by, I start to realize that, it could be my self-esteem being low, thus causing this up stir in me observing everyone around me.
I came to realize that, I wanted something similar to them. To be slim, to be this to be that, to be everything they are. As I worked harder, I was able to be near my expectations. I tried to be normal by falling for girls, when I was in secondary school, moreover, it did not pay off, I keep getting rejected.
The first girl I feel in love for, she rejected me because she felt that I wasn’t her type of guy. She wanted a very sporty guy and moreover, her focus was on her studies. Thus, no matter what, relationships will be out and away from the table.
I accepted her decision, even though I wasn’t the one who approached her to question. My friend did me this favor. Till now, I still thank her for doing me this great favor and we remained as close as we could be as friends.
Chapter 2: Rejections
Following my love for her, I feel again… at least once every year throughout my 4 years of secondary school life. Every attempt became more and more unfruitful. I was either too slow to approach or gave up the idea completely. I was a total failure, I felt I had let down on myself. I felt that maybe, I shouldn’t be falling in love at all. Since my priority was to focus on my education. There were incidents where I was being approached by my juniors; however, all were being rejected.
I started to realize my identity, that I wasn’t straight. I was more attracted to members of the same sex. I had come to accept this fact only slowly, after my secondary 4.
I started meeting up with people from the net and had one night stands with them. Purely out of curiosity, it didn’t occur to me that, these will be the beginning of my journey to self discovery. Into the world of the unknown and danger seas.
Till now, I have to say that I am content with what I have… to have found the someone I like. To be with him for as long as we are meant to be. Even though, there is no eternity, there will always be past and the present. So long as we were to treasure the present and had treasure the past we should to able to say that we have live through this live with no regrets.
I met many guys, had sex with a few, the feeling was a complete different from person to person. Back then, what I seek wasn’t love, more of fun. As time went by, I realize I was depleting my person value. I felt cheap, cheap in a sense of selling myself willing to the please of others… as well as for others to please myself. I see it as something very low life, where all you do is oral and kiss, hug and suck… there is really no meaning to life. All this crap, full of nonsense… I hated this kind of life.
I stopped meeting guys for sex, after 1 year. I feel for one guy, he was the only I had feelings for, even though, I know he is a straight, and just did it to relax himself. I enjoyed doing it with him.
However, that was ages ago, long before I met Colin. Colin is 1 year older than me. We met through an online profile. We became close friends after meeting up with one another for a few times. The first impression he gave me, left me with deep effects of closeness and the feeling of security. I felt very secure when I hang out with him; away from the insecurity which I felt all this while. I felt the energy to stand up again, to face reality to tell everyone that I do not give a damn about what they will think of me.
Our friendship grew stronger by the day. We would try to meet up every weekend to go out together - be it for study or for dinner or for shopping. The weekend is always filled with fun, laughter and serious work being down. Especially, when it was near the exams; we needed the most of our attention to be on the books.
We shared almost the same likings for certain things. As time went by, we sensed a liking for one another. However, we never voiced it out to one another, all we did was just to drop hints along the way.
We were unsure if the other party will be able to take the shock – to find out that we like one another. And would like to take this friendship to greater heights.
Chapter 3: relationships
It was a rocky relationship… no matter how loving a couple is, there are bound to be obstacles along the way. I believe it is these falls that make us move closer together, and to not history repeat itself.
I’m feeling lost, since the day, we last met. It is once again the exam period, and it marks the 2nd anniversary of us being together. We last met 3days ago, he was briefly online, as he needed to check his mails.
The 3 days passed by real slowly, well, I did manage to pass through the 3 days with books by my side.
My flash back came to a halt, when someone patted on my shoulder.
“Hey, still day dreaming?” said Colin.
“Yea, I almost fell asleep waiting for you…” I replied.
“Sorry, I am late once again…” he said.
“Don’t worry, it doesn’t really bother me” came my reply, and I hugged him tightly like a long lost friend.
“Hey, are you trying to squeeze me into pulp? I can’t breathe” came his reply.
“Nope, I just miss you. And you hug you as long as time permits.” I replied.
“Alright, so where shall we got for dinner?” he asked.
“Shall we go Pasta mania? I crave pasta today.” I said.
“okay, we shall go there…” he replied.
We strolled all the way from esplanade towards Plaza Singapura for dinner.
It was an anniversary like no other, celebrated with simplicity, and makes it a perfectly new experience.
After word
I wrote this story, for personal amusement. It does shed some light on my view of homosexuality. The story line is very fictional and does portray how one looks into himself… as a homosexual… I feel that, this story will be one of my best one written about homosexuality. Months back, I had penned down a similar story, however, it got scraped as I lost touch with my elements.
Wrote this short piece in just one night, was really bored and thinking of someone.
Written: 15th March 2005
Chris lived a life full of obstacles and turbulences…. One day… he found his mystery love and however… could this prove to be a fruitful one?
Chapter One: Identity
As I stood by the barrier facing the view of the open sea… my mind started to switch to flash back mode… this happens whenever I go visit my favorite places on this small island nation – Singapore.
For the past 18 years of my life… they have been slowly flushed down the drain with no seeds of love being scattered… even if there were any, they proved to be fruitless. Ample of rejections were insight. Since the beginning when I started to search for my identity. Something which I feel is part of me, yet still unknown to my self. That is, my true self.
Whenever, I get bored, I will spend my free time hanging out alone or with friends at the esplanade, or even to have coffee at my favorite coffee chain – Starbucks®. I enjoy their special brew of beverages compared to the others seen around the island.
I would usually go for Café Mocha, which has a rich blend of coffee with chocolate. It taste and feels nice. An all time favorite of mine.
As I found a place to settle down by the esplanade bay, I started sipping my takeaway Café Mocha. Slowly, I raised my legs close to me… on the bench facing the sea… with coffee just by my side… and started to day dream… letting my imaginations run into the land of the unpredictable.
It was a great hideaway for me – to an unfamiliar place where it is filled with happiness more than with sadness. A place filled with love, care and concern – Far away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Into the arms of the slow paced country side life, where everyone will take their time to deal with the everyday living.
I wish life was that way, however, I knew it will never be possible for me to do that. Especially now, since I am only a student, and my only worry will be to study. And study becomes my main and only priority. Moreover, with hard work come great grades. With those flying colors that dresses up your result slips, aren’t they wonderful?
As my thinking went deeper, time seemed to have turned back into the past. I could still remember the days when I was searching for my true identity – to know if I am really only interested in men more than in women. Firstly, it all began in primary school. Back then, I will get attracted to men in the changing room, I will just look at their physic and admire them discreetly. I won’t say anything more, but just to observe. As time went by, I start to realize that, it could be my self-esteem being low, thus causing this up stir in me observing everyone around me.
I came to realize that, I wanted something similar to them. To be slim, to be this to be that, to be everything they are. As I worked harder, I was able to be near my expectations. I tried to be normal by falling for girls, when I was in secondary school, moreover, it did not pay off, I keep getting rejected.
The first girl I feel in love for, she rejected me because she felt that I wasn’t her type of guy. She wanted a very sporty guy and moreover, her focus was on her studies. Thus, no matter what, relationships will be out and away from the table.
I accepted her decision, even though I wasn’t the one who approached her to question. My friend did me this favor. Till now, I still thank her for doing me this great favor and we remained as close as we could be as friends.
Chapter 2: Rejections
Following my love for her, I feel again… at least once every year throughout my 4 years of secondary school life. Every attempt became more and more unfruitful. I was either too slow to approach or gave up the idea completely. I was a total failure, I felt I had let down on myself. I felt that maybe, I shouldn’t be falling in love at all. Since my priority was to focus on my education. There were incidents where I was being approached by my juniors; however, all were being rejected.
I started to realize my identity, that I wasn’t straight. I was more attracted to members of the same sex. I had come to accept this fact only slowly, after my secondary 4.
I started meeting up with people from the net and had one night stands with them. Purely out of curiosity, it didn’t occur to me that, these will be the beginning of my journey to self discovery. Into the world of the unknown and danger seas.
Till now, I have to say that I am content with what I have… to have found the someone I like. To be with him for as long as we are meant to be. Even though, there is no eternity, there will always be past and the present. So long as we were to treasure the present and had treasure the past we should to able to say that we have live through this live with no regrets.
I met many guys, had sex with a few, the feeling was a complete different from person to person. Back then, what I seek wasn’t love, more of fun. As time went by, I realize I was depleting my person value. I felt cheap, cheap in a sense of selling myself willing to the please of others… as well as for others to please myself. I see it as something very low life, where all you do is oral and kiss, hug and suck… there is really no meaning to life. All this crap, full of nonsense… I hated this kind of life.
I stopped meeting guys for sex, after 1 year. I feel for one guy, he was the only I had feelings for, even though, I know he is a straight, and just did it to relax himself. I enjoyed doing it with him.
However, that was ages ago, long before I met Colin. Colin is 1 year older than me. We met through an online profile. We became close friends after meeting up with one another for a few times. The first impression he gave me, left me with deep effects of closeness and the feeling of security. I felt very secure when I hang out with him; away from the insecurity which I felt all this while. I felt the energy to stand up again, to face reality to tell everyone that I do not give a damn about what they will think of me.
Our friendship grew stronger by the day. We would try to meet up every weekend to go out together - be it for study or for dinner or for shopping. The weekend is always filled with fun, laughter and serious work being down. Especially, when it was near the exams; we needed the most of our attention to be on the books.
We shared almost the same likings for certain things. As time went by, we sensed a liking for one another. However, we never voiced it out to one another, all we did was just to drop hints along the way.
We were unsure if the other party will be able to take the shock – to find out that we like one another. And would like to take this friendship to greater heights.
Chapter 3: relationships
It was a rocky relationship… no matter how loving a couple is, there are bound to be obstacles along the way. I believe it is these falls that make us move closer together, and to not history repeat itself.
I’m feeling lost, since the day, we last met. It is once again the exam period, and it marks the 2nd anniversary of us being together. We last met 3days ago, he was briefly online, as he needed to check his mails.
The 3 days passed by real slowly, well, I did manage to pass through the 3 days with books by my side.
My flash back came to a halt, when someone patted on my shoulder.
“Hey, still day dreaming?” said Colin.
“Yea, I almost fell asleep waiting for you…” I replied.
“Sorry, I am late once again…” he said.
“Don’t worry, it doesn’t really bother me” came my reply, and I hugged him tightly like a long lost friend.
“Hey, are you trying to squeeze me into pulp? I can’t breathe” came his reply.
“Nope, I just miss you. And you hug you as long as time permits.” I replied.
“Alright, so where shall we got for dinner?” he asked.
“Shall we go Pasta mania? I crave pasta today.” I said.
“okay, we shall go there…” he replied.
We strolled all the way from esplanade towards Plaza Singapura for dinner.
It was an anniversary like no other, celebrated with simplicity, and makes it a perfectly new experience.
After word
I wrote this story, for personal amusement. It does shed some light on my view of homosexuality. The story line is very fictional and does portray how one looks into himself… as a homosexual… I feel that, this story will be one of my best one written about homosexuality. Months back, I had penned down a similar story, however, it got scraped as I lost touch with my elements.
Wrote this short piece in just one night, was really bored and thinking of someone.
Written: 15th March 2005
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