In the Closet :: March 15, 2005

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, all events and characters are in no way related to real life incidents or beings.

Chris lived a life full of obstacles and turbulences…. One day… he found his mystery love and however… could this prove to be a fruitful one?

Chapter One: Identity

As I stood by the barrier facing the view of the open sea… my mind started to switch to flash back mode… this happens whenever I go visit my favorite places on this small island nation – Singapore.

For the past 18 years of my life… they have been slowly flushed down the drain with no seeds of love being scattered… even if there were any, they proved to be fruitless. Ample of rejections were insight. Since the beginning when I started to search for my identity. Something which I feel is part of me, yet still unknown to my self. That is, my true self.

Whenever, I get bored, I will spend my free time hanging out alone or with friends at the esplanade, or even to have coffee at my favorite coffee chain – Starbucks®. I enjoy their special brew of beverages compared to the others seen around the island.

I would usually go for Café Mocha, which has a rich blend of coffee with chocolate. It taste and feels nice. An all time favorite of mine.

As I found a place to settle down by the esplanade bay, I started sipping my takeaway Café Mocha. Slowly, I raised my legs close to me… on the bench facing the sea… with coffee just by my side… and started to day dream… letting my imaginations run into the land of the unpredictable.

It was a great hideaway for me – to an unfamiliar place where it is filled with happiness more than with sadness. A place filled with love, care and concern – Far away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Into the arms of the slow paced country side life, where everyone will take their time to deal with the everyday living.

I wish life was that way, however, I knew it will never be possible for me to do that. Especially now, since I am only a student, and my only worry will be to study. And study becomes my main and only priority. Moreover, with hard work come great grades. With those flying colors that dresses up your result slips, aren’t they wonderful?

As my thinking went deeper, time seemed to have turned back into the past. I could still remember the days when I was searching for my true identity – to know if I am really only interested in men more than in women. Firstly, it all began in primary school. Back then, I will get attracted to men in the changing room, I will just look at their physic and admire them discreetly. I won’t say anything more, but just to observe. As time went by, I start to realize that, it could be my self-esteem being low, thus causing this up stir in me observing everyone around me.

I came to realize that, I wanted something similar to them. To be slim, to be this to be that, to be everything they are. As I worked harder, I was able to be near my expectations. I tried to be normal by falling for girls, when I was in secondary school, moreover, it did not pay off, I keep getting rejected.

The first girl I feel in love for, she rejected me because she felt that I wasn’t her type of guy. She wanted a very sporty guy and moreover, her focus was on her studies. Thus, no matter what, relationships will be out and away from the table.

I accepted her decision, even though I wasn’t the one who approached her to question. My friend did me this favor. Till now, I still thank her for doing me this great favor and we remained as close as we could be as friends.

Chapter 2: Rejections

Following my love for her, I feel again… at least once every year throughout my 4 years of secondary school life. Every attempt became more and more unfruitful. I was either too slow to approach or gave up the idea completely. I was a total failure, I felt I had let down on myself. I felt that maybe, I shouldn’t be falling in love at all. Since my priority was to focus on my education. There were incidents where I was being approached by my juniors; however, all were being rejected.

I started to realize my identity, that I wasn’t straight. I was more attracted to members of the same sex. I had come to accept this fact only slowly, after my secondary 4.

I started meeting up with people from the net and had one night stands with them. Purely out of curiosity, it didn’t occur to me that, these will be the beginning of my journey to self discovery. Into the world of the unknown and danger seas.

Till now, I have to say that I am content with what I have… to have found the someone I like. To be with him for as long as we are meant to be. Even though, there is no eternity, there will always be past and the present. So long as we were to treasure the present and had treasure the past we should to able to say that we have live through this live with no regrets.

I met many guys, had sex with a few, the feeling was a complete different from person to person. Back then, what I seek wasn’t love, more of fun. As time went by, I realize I was depleting my person value. I felt cheap, cheap in a sense of selling myself willing to the please of others… as well as for others to please myself. I see it as something very low life, where all you do is oral and kiss, hug and suck… there is really no meaning to life. All this crap, full of nonsense… I hated this kind of life.

I stopped meeting guys for sex, after 1 year. I feel for one guy, he was the only I had feelings for, even though, I know he is a straight, and just did it to relax himself. I enjoyed doing it with him.

However, that was ages ago, long before I met Colin. Colin is 1 year older than me. We met through an online profile. We became close friends after meeting up with one another for a few times. The first impression he gave me, left me with deep effects of closeness and the feeling of security. I felt very secure when I hang out with him; away from the insecurity which I felt all this while. I felt the energy to stand up again, to face reality to tell everyone that I do not give a damn about what they will think of me.

Our friendship grew stronger by the day. We would try to meet up every weekend to go out together - be it for study or for dinner or for shopping. The weekend is always filled with fun, laughter and serious work being down. Especially, when it was near the exams; we needed the most of our attention to be on the books.

We shared almost the same likings for certain things. As time went by, we sensed a liking for one another. However, we never voiced it out to one another, all we did was just to drop hints along the way.

We were unsure if the other party will be able to take the shock – to find out that we like one another. And would like to take this friendship to greater heights.



Chapter 3: relationships

It was a rocky relationship… no matter how loving a couple is, there are bound to be obstacles along the way. I believe it is these falls that make us move closer together, and to not history repeat itself.

I’m feeling lost, since the day, we last met. It is once again the exam period, and it marks the 2nd anniversary of us being together. We last met 3days ago, he was briefly online, as he needed to check his mails.

The 3 days passed by real slowly, well, I did manage to pass through the 3 days with books by my side.

My flash back came to a halt, when someone patted on my shoulder.

“Hey, still day dreaming?” said Colin.

“Yea, I almost fell asleep waiting for you…” I replied.

“Sorry, I am late once again…” he said.

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t really bother me” came my reply, and I hugged him tightly like a long lost friend.

“Hey, are you trying to squeeze me into pulp? I can’t breathe” came his reply.

“Nope, I just miss you. And you hug you as long as time permits.” I replied.

“Alright, so where shall we got for dinner?” he asked.

“Shall we go Pasta mania? I crave pasta today.” I said.

“okay, we shall go there…” he replied.

We strolled all the way from esplanade towards Plaza Singapura for dinner.

It was an anniversary like no other, celebrated with simplicity, and makes it a perfectly new experience.



After word

I wrote this story, for personal amusement. It does shed some light on my view of homosexuality. The story line is very fictional and does portray how one looks into himself… as a homosexual… I feel that, this story will be one of my best one written about homosexuality. Months back, I had penned down a similar story, however, it got scraped as I lost touch with my elements.

Wrote this short piece in just one night, was really bored and thinking of someone.

Written: 15th March 2005