The Letter :: May 10, 2005

The Letter

All living beings whether dead or alive are in no relation to the characters in the story.

Chapter 1

In a sleepless night, my mind went a blank. Far into the deep darkness in my own well lit room, I began to write - a story that came etched into my mind. I wonder, why such sleepless nights do occur in me. It has been in me for nights now. Every night, I end up tossing and turning in bed or end up sleeping very late into the night. Why? Why does this have to occur to me?

All these feeling of lost, emptiness, seems like I am all but just an empty shell. As a19 year old living in a world full of love that doesn’t even exist at all. It can be very scary, to the point no return.

The night seemed cold, yet I couldn’t sleep. To make matters worse, I feel jealously deep down inside me. It is eating up my youth, my feelings, my moods, my everything. I feel as good as a lifeless shell. Everyday is like no other – all just a living hell. Everyone around me seems so foreign.

Every street that I pass by seemed empty and I feel so numb. My life feels so undriven. I was much livelier, much happier months ago. Ever since I got to know him, my world began to take a change. A very big change that turned me and my life upside down.

I felt completely lost in a world of the unknown. In just 2 years, since I stepped into the circle, everyone, everything around me seemed different. I hate this feeling altogether, I know I’m rambling on and on about how unfair the world is. Yet, I can’t help it, but simply whimper in my own sorrow. Crying like a child over spilled milk, life is never as easy as how your mother once taught you ABC. It is much, much more than these basics.

I have over the years got stronger and be able to cover up my inner most feelings from everyone. Including friends who cared for me. I lived in a world of my own, growing stronger with each fall.

Yet, never had I feel so strange, to be strongly attached to someone who I merely met for 2 times and only know for 1 month odd. And the fact that someone I know also loves the same person made me see red. Moreover, I chose to let go, to give up to let the person get him, and just stand by the side helping him with each step, while still feeling a sense of jealousy for nothing.

It all began with him asking me if I know who this friend of mine is. Back then, being such a naïve rabbit, I told him that he is my friend. A fellow school mate, already, feeling a sense of betrayal in myself. I felt that I was betraying myself, my own words, yet dismissing them. Why? Because I never really felt very close to him. Ever since the beginning, he has already told me his reasons for not wanting to date people my age. I took his words, I admire his wisdom, I love him for who he is, but never did I reveal my true feelings for him. I wasn’t sure of them myself, let alone to even consider a confession.

It never occurred to me, I will end up having such a strong affection for him. Yet, I chose to leave him, to give up, I just want him as a normal, maybe close friend. That way, I will be consoling myself that well, it’s just fated this way.

Chapter 2

On the other hand, I was helping my friend. Giving him advice when the need arises, yet making sure I do not hurt the ones I love and only provide what I need to, without giving away too much of what I know. I believe in protecting the privacy of others, yet whenever we talk about him, I’ll sense jealously within myself.

Am I ready to love him? My answer is a no. I fear losing him, I fear I could not commit, I feel inferior, I need to get over my previous failed relationship. I want to be single.

There’s just too many excuses I give myself to help me cover up myself, my thots, my moods from everyone. Yet, my friend is able to sense them. Even though the one I love is kept in the dark, there is no way I will ever want him to know my inner feelings. Even if he knows, I fear disaster, I fear we will end, become strangers, no longer friends.

I may look like someone who is not serious and someone who doesn’t care. Yet deep down inside my heart, I am weak, full of insecurity.

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One night, I decided to write this letter to him, though, I doubt he will get to see me once more.

“Hi love,

If you are reading this, I’m writing to bid farewell to you. I’ll be leaving this world for a faraway land. To a place of tranquility and peace. I thank you for all the love and care you have showered me through our 1 month long friendship.

I treasure you as a lover as well as a friend. Deep inside me, I have a strong feeling for you, yet I fear expressing them to you. I fear rejection, I fear that our love is forbidden, I fear I am not good for you. And lastly, despite my struggle, I have chosen to give up my pursue of love for you, and let the someone else who is deeply in love for you have the chance.

Here I shall sign off. Will always remember you. For I know how much you meant to me.

Sign off,
Secret Admirer”

With this letter written on a purplish paper, I folded the letter and wrote his address down. Mailed it out the following day morning. The following night, I attempted suicide, with popping of 50 sleeping pills. Not long after, I felt a flying sensation, I was gone with from this living world. I flew into the land I called paradise where there is no suffering.


Chapter 3

Upon receiving the letter a day after the death, the lover got a shocked of his life. The friend, also felt badly. They both felt he did the most silliest thing – to commit suicide for no apparent reason.

They felt sorry, yet do not know what to do. They could only chant their prayers for him and wish him a better next life.

Afterword:

I wrote this in less than 30minutes. Was suppose to be sleeping, yet I could not sleep. This story is ironical, and the fact that the secret admirer is stubborn to commit suicide makes it more like a tragedy. Despite being a shy and emotional person in cover, I wonder what the world is coming to. Just hope people don’t commit suicide over love, it doesn’t make much sense at all.

My feelings:

I wrote this out of my thots. I can’t sleep because of what I am feeling – a sense of loss, yet not showing it in real life, while helping friends solving their problems. And I am not ready to love anyone, even though I show feelings for the person. Do I regard him as my god bro, or am I really in love with him. I do not know, I don’t want to know either. I just want to lead a carefree and happy life.