Can love be lost? Or forgiven?
Disclaimer: The characters featured in this story are fictional and have no relation to real life beings.
Chapter 1
Does love actually exist in real life? I wonder… never had I fallen for 3 people over a period of 3 months… one love after another, I wonder if I was human or am I a machine who lust for love?
It all began 2 years ago, with my admission into a tertiary institution. My course is female-dominated. With just only a few males around, getting a girlfriend was as easy as ABC. Given the charm I have in myself, with that sunshine smile always on my face, I felt confident of getting a girl friend in a matter of a few days.
It did not matter to me which girl got attracted to me, so long as they have the right attitude and character, I’ll consider them a possible candidate for my love and affection.
Yet, I was proven wrong, with my first love. Never had I been rejected that badly, it was the first time, I felt so bad about it altogether.
I came to know Clare from my course. She is a plum average looking girl, an Indian Chinese to be exact. I guess, it was love at first sight that I decided to get close to her. I got attracted to her, for her sincerity in making friends and making everyone feel at home.
Within days, my affections for her started to grow; every encounter with her was very nice and pleasant. I was not even aware that I have fallen for her secretly. In a matter of weeks, words spread about me holding a torch for her. I started to get distant from her, as she was back stabbing me behind her back. To make matters worse, I actually heard her back stabbing me one fine day while we were in the lift.
I was very hurt that I asked myself, am I sure she is the one when she keeps back stabbing you?
My answer was, yes, I’m sure I don’ judge a book by its cover, neither will I judge a person by her attitude. So what is the reason why I love her? Again, the same question popped into my mind – my answer was, she is cute, jumpy and makes a good companion.
Everything to me was nice, even the slightest glitch many see in her were being missed or ignored by me. I became ignorant, while making sure she did not know I had fallen for her. Slowly, day by day, I tried to get closer to her, yet I failed to get close enough to her.
Fear has already started to over take her, and confront her. She got scared of me, then did I realize what all the back stab was about. She felt that I was getting too close to her, and she felt puzzled over what was actually happening.
This feeling lasted for weeks, I made no move to tell her. Though, I blogged my feelings out on the web.
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One fine evening, we happen to be having out dinner in school. During dinner, a group of us were gathered together at the fast food outlet in school. While seated enjoying my dinner at opposite ends of the long table, I over heard that she already has got someone she loves. I decided to give up loving her, I felt, since she is attached; there I no need for me to say any further. I decided to retreat from this love, I felt that I do not want to end up holding a torch and further more, loving someone who does not even love you is not something that I will want to do.
However, words spread from my blog. A few days later, while in the library, I was cornered by the girls in my class to answer this question – “is it true that you like Clare?”
I gathered myself, thinking, where did you find out that I have feelings for Clare?
I asked “where did you hear this from?”
“Sorry, we happen to be browsing your Friendster and saw your blog too.” replied Carol.
“hmm, well, let’s just say, I don’t like her anymore. As of last night.” I replied calmy.
“So, it’s true that you like her right? Why suddenly change your mind?” Carol asked with a surprise look on her face.
“hey, let’s just put it simply, she loves someone else, so… I think… I should just give up since I know where I stand in her heart” I replied, in a slightly low tone.
After hearing that, Clare stood up from the desk and ran towards the exit. Moments later, I was left alone – the girls have all went after Clare. Alone to think, what did I say wrongly?
I felt so bad about revealing the truth to them, why am I suppose to feel this way, when in the first place I had did nothing wrong. I had only just expressed my thoughts and feelings. Nothing more did matter to me at all.
---------------------
After that incident, I did not see her for a few days. Was worried sick as she did not attend lessons. I decided to get some 2 small teddy bears, a letter “C” and a “Get well soon” one. On the day I saw her, I passed them to her in the morning. It was our last day in school for the term.
Just as everything was suppose to seem like a nice ending. I blew my top, what actually happened? There was this ignorant classmate – Jane who kept meddling with my name, even after I explained to her the right pronunciation. She kept saying it wrongly in a very playful tone. I got furious after having to correct her a lot of times. In the end, I screamed right into her face outside the lecture theatre.
While all eyes were suddenly fixed on me, I walked calmly into the lecture hall. I was filled with anguish which ate up my soul. I felt empty inside me, as for jane, she cried outside the lecture theatre. When I saw her weeping one hour later, I decided to make an apology to her. She simply ignored me, to complicate matters, Clare returned me the 2 bears which I gave her 1 hour before our last lecture. Her reason was, she felt she could not accept me, she told Teresa to return me the bears. My heart was broken and angry, angry for what I did, broken because she decided to reject me.
As for the fate of the two cute bears, I threw them into the bin outside the lecture hall. Our story ended just like that. Were we friends, my answer was simply no, from then on – I became the irritating housefly in her eyes.
Chapter 2
After the incident, I was feeling down for the days that following until I met a friend on friendster. He added me, I was surprised that we clicked at first chat. I guess, everyone does especially on the net.
The interesting part was that we felt like twins, as we shared most of the common traits, our thinking were almost the same, he felt like a brother to me. We got very close in just one day’s chat. And decided to meet up for the first time a few days later.
Little did I realize he is gay. I was not against gay, as I have a very keen interest in knowing them more. They belong and live in this world, my exposure to the gay circle begain in late sixteen. Back then, I was curious of how they lead their lifestyle. However, little did I realize I will get hooked by the way of life. It was not something that I feel is bad, moreover, the society we live him discriminates them. I did not regard myself gay because of my encounter with him, I felt that I want to know more friends from different walks of life. Not just from the straight people, but also from gays, lesbians and bisexuals. I do not discriminate them, now that I am in my late seventeen, I feel, I’m able to tolerate them – as I am also gay.
Living in a low profile status was what I did, my feelings for his friend I got to know wasn’t that strong. Even when we were chatting on the phone, I felt a sense of friendliness. As for him, he painted a very beautiful picture of me, which later ended up to be very ugly. Why was that so? He felt that I wasn’t his type of guy, I felt so hurt, after our first meeting, his has put on high hopes on himself and ended up falling deeply into the trench.
I felt that I had fallen deeply for him after our first meeting, with him feeling yet the opposite. My life took a drastic turn. I began to think, why, why did I fall for Clare when I already know I am Gay? Was I just curious to experiment with a straight lifestyle, or am I in denial about being Gay?
These questions constantly popped into my mind, and I started to wonder, why did he decide to dump me after our first meet? Why? It is just so funny and irritating; yet finding an answer was never easy. That was when I decided to talk to Amanda and she was one of the first straight friends to know that I had… become Gay.
I suffered very deep depression during my vacation, to complicate matters, I felt a sense of living hell in me. reading through my past in my mind and analyzing every tiny detail of the happenings, trying to search my soul for an answer which I could never find.
By the end of 1 week, I decided it was time to move on. I called my god sister one fine day and asked her out for a movie.
Chapter 3
It was our first encounter alone, just the 2 of us going out for a movie at orchard area. It was a Sunday before the school reopen. The feeling she gave me was nice, much like a little sister. Which I had so wanted badly when I was young, yet now, I felt I do not need anymore.
After the movie, we decided to shop around abit in the mall and we started to hug where ever we went to from the travellator on level 1 to the basement 2. After we finished window shopping, we walked down a quiet lane, along the way, we continued our friendship hug.
I felt a sense of reassurance that I felt good to be hugged. It was the friendship hug I had wanted. To be assured that everything is fine, I felt insecure and the hug was able to mask this feeling.
The following week in school, we were very close together that our classmates begain to wonder if I was into my 2nd relationship in just 3 months. Little did they know that she is my god sister - Joanne. I kept my gay status low profile, as I did not want anyone to know I was gay and worse, for them to start their tongues wagging and questions popping out from their head.
Despite that, back stabbing again took place. When I was feeling very down, she will always be there for me, to give me a hug. In school, we will go to the koi pond and hug during our lesson break.
It was the longest hug I had with anyone. Just as everything seemed so fine, suddenly rumours began to spread that I was interested in her. I got annoyed about it, with the girls backstabbing me left, right, front, back. My distance with her began to drift, yet we continued to act as normal as possible in school.
Everyday after school, I will meet her at the locker and accompany her to the bus stop. Weeks later, some classmates approached me. They sense something amiss, and asked me what was happening. They were really my good friends in class, and they never did believe those rumors they heard and I did not even blog my happenings with her on my blog either.
One day, Sue asks me what was happening between me and Joanne. I explained myself to her that we were just god brother and sisters. Her senses told her that it is either I led her to be very close to me just like boyfriend and girlfriend as she came from a all girls school or I was leading her to intimacy and self-destruction. As she seems to be over caring for me and friends are getting the wrong idea that she is my girlfriend.
After that incident, I decided to come clean with her that I only treat her as my god sister and there is nothing between us and we should not hug in school as it was to prevent any misunderstanding from occurring.
She understood what I said, however, I suddenly felt weird. Did I love her to have a very special bond with her? That puzzled me a lot.
Days later, I confess that I like her. She told me she needed time to think. During that 1 week long cooling off period, I spend my time by the swimming pool swimming and trying to sort my thoughts through.
Few days later, I got her answer, she decided to reject my love and we got back to normal as friends and god siblings relation. Things were much better after that, and the rumours stopped spreading. All came to a closure, yet, a scar has formed deep inside me - and I came to realize, my world was not the same anymore. I came out to myself that I was after all someone who had no feelings for girls at all. People may think that I am jerk afterall, yet, I have came to realize what I want in life – to be happy and be respectful of my sexuality – not live in denial.
Does true love actually exist in the real world? I guess, I will never be able to find out. After this ordeal, and coming out to myself about my feelings for myself, I hope that I will live a much happier life and just ignore anymore rumors that hinder my daily living.
My thoughts
I decided to write this story as a compensation of my previously abandoned 3 works. It reflects on 3 different themes, feelings of love, finding out one’s true identity and realizing the feelings of complication between friendship and love, and how it can sometimes cross the line to become love.
There are many definitions of love - intimacy, affection, friendship, kinship and the list goes on. I hope you have enjoyed this piece of story.
This story is a mix of real life events and imaginary thoughts. But, the characters have no direct relation to real life events, they are mostly imagination.
Written: May 11, 2005
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
The Letter :: May 10, 2005
The Letter
All living beings whether dead or alive are in no relation to the characters in the story.
Chapter 1
In a sleepless night, my mind went a blank. Far into the deep darkness in my own well lit room, I began to write - a story that came etched into my mind. I wonder, why such sleepless nights do occur in me. It has been in me for nights now. Every night, I end up tossing and turning in bed or end up sleeping very late into the night. Why? Why does this have to occur to me?
All these feeling of lost, emptiness, seems like I am all but just an empty shell. As a19 year old living in a world full of love that doesn’t even exist at all. It can be very scary, to the point no return.
The night seemed cold, yet I couldn’t sleep. To make matters worse, I feel jealously deep down inside me. It is eating up my youth, my feelings, my moods, my everything. I feel as good as a lifeless shell. Everyday is like no other – all just a living hell. Everyone around me seems so foreign.
Every street that I pass by seemed empty and I feel so numb. My life feels so undriven. I was much livelier, much happier months ago. Ever since I got to know him, my world began to take a change. A very big change that turned me and my life upside down.
I felt completely lost in a world of the unknown. In just 2 years, since I stepped into the circle, everyone, everything around me seemed different. I hate this feeling altogether, I know I’m rambling on and on about how unfair the world is. Yet, I can’t help it, but simply whimper in my own sorrow. Crying like a child over spilled milk, life is never as easy as how your mother once taught you ABC. It is much, much more than these basics.
I have over the years got stronger and be able to cover up my inner most feelings from everyone. Including friends who cared for me. I lived in a world of my own, growing stronger with each fall.
Yet, never had I feel so strange, to be strongly attached to someone who I merely met for 2 times and only know for 1 month odd. And the fact that someone I know also loves the same person made me see red. Moreover, I chose to let go, to give up to let the person get him, and just stand by the side helping him with each step, while still feeling a sense of jealousy for nothing.
It all began with him asking me if I know who this friend of mine is. Back then, being such a naïve rabbit, I told him that he is my friend. A fellow school mate, already, feeling a sense of betrayal in myself. I felt that I was betraying myself, my own words, yet dismissing them. Why? Because I never really felt very close to him. Ever since the beginning, he has already told me his reasons for not wanting to date people my age. I took his words, I admire his wisdom, I love him for who he is, but never did I reveal my true feelings for him. I wasn’t sure of them myself, let alone to even consider a confession.
It never occurred to me, I will end up having such a strong affection for him. Yet, I chose to leave him, to give up, I just want him as a normal, maybe close friend. That way, I will be consoling myself that well, it’s just fated this way.
Chapter 2
On the other hand, I was helping my friend. Giving him advice when the need arises, yet making sure I do not hurt the ones I love and only provide what I need to, without giving away too much of what I know. I believe in protecting the privacy of others, yet whenever we talk about him, I’ll sense jealously within myself.
Am I ready to love him? My answer is a no. I fear losing him, I fear I could not commit, I feel inferior, I need to get over my previous failed relationship. I want to be single.
There’s just too many excuses I give myself to help me cover up myself, my thots, my moods from everyone. Yet, my friend is able to sense them. Even though the one I love is kept in the dark, there is no way I will ever want him to know my inner feelings. Even if he knows, I fear disaster, I fear we will end, become strangers, no longer friends.
I may look like someone who is not serious and someone who doesn’t care. Yet deep down inside my heart, I am weak, full of insecurity.
------------------------
One night, I decided to write this letter to him, though, I doubt he will get to see me once more.
“Hi love,
If you are reading this, I’m writing to bid farewell to you. I’ll be leaving this world for a faraway land. To a place of tranquility and peace. I thank you for all the love and care you have showered me through our 1 month long friendship.
I treasure you as a lover as well as a friend. Deep inside me, I have a strong feeling for you, yet I fear expressing them to you. I fear rejection, I fear that our love is forbidden, I fear I am not good for you. And lastly, despite my struggle, I have chosen to give up my pursue of love for you, and let the someone else who is deeply in love for you have the chance.
Here I shall sign off. Will always remember you. For I know how much you meant to me.
Sign off,
Secret Admirer”
With this letter written on a purplish paper, I folded the letter and wrote his address down. Mailed it out the following day morning. The following night, I attempted suicide, with popping of 50 sleeping pills. Not long after, I felt a flying sensation, I was gone with from this living world. I flew into the land I called paradise where there is no suffering.
Chapter 3
Upon receiving the letter a day after the death, the lover got a shocked of his life. The friend, also felt badly. They both felt he did the most silliest thing – to commit suicide for no apparent reason.
They felt sorry, yet do not know what to do. They could only chant their prayers for him and wish him a better next life.
Afterword:
I wrote this in less than 30minutes. Was suppose to be sleeping, yet I could not sleep. This story is ironical, and the fact that the secret admirer is stubborn to commit suicide makes it more like a tragedy. Despite being a shy and emotional person in cover, I wonder what the world is coming to. Just hope people don’t commit suicide over love, it doesn’t make much sense at all.
My feelings:
I wrote this out of my thots. I can’t sleep because of what I am feeling – a sense of loss, yet not showing it in real life, while helping friends solving their problems. And I am not ready to love anyone, even though I show feelings for the person. Do I regard him as my god bro, or am I really in love with him. I do not know, I don’t want to know either. I just want to lead a carefree and happy life.
All living beings whether dead or alive are in no relation to the characters in the story.
Chapter 1
In a sleepless night, my mind went a blank. Far into the deep darkness in my own well lit room, I began to write - a story that came etched into my mind. I wonder, why such sleepless nights do occur in me. It has been in me for nights now. Every night, I end up tossing and turning in bed or end up sleeping very late into the night. Why? Why does this have to occur to me?
All these feeling of lost, emptiness, seems like I am all but just an empty shell. As a19 year old living in a world full of love that doesn’t even exist at all. It can be very scary, to the point no return.
The night seemed cold, yet I couldn’t sleep. To make matters worse, I feel jealously deep down inside me. It is eating up my youth, my feelings, my moods, my everything. I feel as good as a lifeless shell. Everyday is like no other – all just a living hell. Everyone around me seems so foreign.
Every street that I pass by seemed empty and I feel so numb. My life feels so undriven. I was much livelier, much happier months ago. Ever since I got to know him, my world began to take a change. A very big change that turned me and my life upside down.
I felt completely lost in a world of the unknown. In just 2 years, since I stepped into the circle, everyone, everything around me seemed different. I hate this feeling altogether, I know I’m rambling on and on about how unfair the world is. Yet, I can’t help it, but simply whimper in my own sorrow. Crying like a child over spilled milk, life is never as easy as how your mother once taught you ABC. It is much, much more than these basics.
I have over the years got stronger and be able to cover up my inner most feelings from everyone. Including friends who cared for me. I lived in a world of my own, growing stronger with each fall.
Yet, never had I feel so strange, to be strongly attached to someone who I merely met for 2 times and only know for 1 month odd. And the fact that someone I know also loves the same person made me see red. Moreover, I chose to let go, to give up to let the person get him, and just stand by the side helping him with each step, while still feeling a sense of jealousy for nothing.
It all began with him asking me if I know who this friend of mine is. Back then, being such a naïve rabbit, I told him that he is my friend. A fellow school mate, already, feeling a sense of betrayal in myself. I felt that I was betraying myself, my own words, yet dismissing them. Why? Because I never really felt very close to him. Ever since the beginning, he has already told me his reasons for not wanting to date people my age. I took his words, I admire his wisdom, I love him for who he is, but never did I reveal my true feelings for him. I wasn’t sure of them myself, let alone to even consider a confession.
It never occurred to me, I will end up having such a strong affection for him. Yet, I chose to leave him, to give up, I just want him as a normal, maybe close friend. That way, I will be consoling myself that well, it’s just fated this way.
Chapter 2
On the other hand, I was helping my friend. Giving him advice when the need arises, yet making sure I do not hurt the ones I love and only provide what I need to, without giving away too much of what I know. I believe in protecting the privacy of others, yet whenever we talk about him, I’ll sense jealously within myself.
Am I ready to love him? My answer is a no. I fear losing him, I fear I could not commit, I feel inferior, I need to get over my previous failed relationship. I want to be single.
There’s just too many excuses I give myself to help me cover up myself, my thots, my moods from everyone. Yet, my friend is able to sense them. Even though the one I love is kept in the dark, there is no way I will ever want him to know my inner feelings. Even if he knows, I fear disaster, I fear we will end, become strangers, no longer friends.
I may look like someone who is not serious and someone who doesn’t care. Yet deep down inside my heart, I am weak, full of insecurity.
------------------------
One night, I decided to write this letter to him, though, I doubt he will get to see me once more.
“Hi love,
If you are reading this, I’m writing to bid farewell to you. I’ll be leaving this world for a faraway land. To a place of tranquility and peace. I thank you for all the love and care you have showered me through our 1 month long friendship.
I treasure you as a lover as well as a friend. Deep inside me, I have a strong feeling for you, yet I fear expressing them to you. I fear rejection, I fear that our love is forbidden, I fear I am not good for you. And lastly, despite my struggle, I have chosen to give up my pursue of love for you, and let the someone else who is deeply in love for you have the chance.
Here I shall sign off. Will always remember you. For I know how much you meant to me.
Sign off,
Secret Admirer”
With this letter written on a purplish paper, I folded the letter and wrote his address down. Mailed it out the following day morning. The following night, I attempted suicide, with popping of 50 sleeping pills. Not long after, I felt a flying sensation, I was gone with from this living world. I flew into the land I called paradise where there is no suffering.
Chapter 3
Upon receiving the letter a day after the death, the lover got a shocked of his life. The friend, also felt badly. They both felt he did the most silliest thing – to commit suicide for no apparent reason.
They felt sorry, yet do not know what to do. They could only chant their prayers for him and wish him a better next life.
Afterword:
I wrote this in less than 30minutes. Was suppose to be sleeping, yet I could not sleep. This story is ironical, and the fact that the secret admirer is stubborn to commit suicide makes it more like a tragedy. Despite being a shy and emotional person in cover, I wonder what the world is coming to. Just hope people don’t commit suicide over love, it doesn’t make much sense at all.
My feelings:
I wrote this out of my thots. I can’t sleep because of what I am feeling – a sense of loss, yet not showing it in real life, while helping friends solving their problems. And I am not ready to love anyone, even though I show feelings for the person. Do I regard him as my god bro, or am I really in love with him. I do not know, I don’t want to know either. I just want to lead a carefree and happy life.
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