the forgiver :: June 15, 2005

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, January, February, March, April, May, June, July…. The days and months go on…

Disclaimer: All characters in the story are works of fiction, and are in no relation to real life characters or events.

Chapter I

I sat down by my desktop, listening to the song Goodbye’s (The Saddest Word) on my Winamp ® player. It brought back many memories from the beginning of my love life till the end. The numerous turbulences that rocked my entire journey in search of my Mr. Right.

Yet, at the end of the tunnel of this 1year of relationship, what I got was not his love nor his soul. But, a valuable lesson learnt from this turbulent relationship where I grew to be stronger in my belief and stronger in my will to love and be loved. To spend more time with him as well as to gain his trust and use it as the foundation to my ever growing intelligence in building a stronger relationship.

Life on its own is really a miracle, from the day we were born to this earth, we are fated to die off years later. And through the journey in life, I always kept this goal of bringing about joy and happiness to people around me. And not asking for anything in return as a favor. I feel, life is about helping others and touching their lives.

I feel, no matter what job we choose to work in, we are already giving back what we have gotten from the society. Even as a homosexual, we are also giving back what we took from society from the point of working in the society, contributing to the society as a whole in the forms of the economics. Even though, we maybe unable to produce children, but, we are paying taxes as well to support the society structure as a whole.

Being fascinated with life, as I listen to the near ending of the song… “Goodbye’s the last time I will hold you near… Someday you say that word and I will cry… It’ll break my heart to hear you say goodbye”… tears began streaming down my eyeballs…. Pure crystal tears which I can’t imagine… it saddens me every time a relationship comes to an end… the reason being, it could mean… I will no longer be in contact with them or… the person is leaving for another country… or when the person is deceased… these are the numerous episodes in life where we see tears streaming down people’s eyes…

Chapter II

As my thoughts went deeper into my heart… I began to think back in time… just like watching a movie film strip, showing the past life…

I got to know Keith back in August 1year 5months back from a dating website. Things were well in the beginning. We started off as friends on the net. Chatted for a few weeks before we finally met up on a Saturday evening in Orchard road.

We went for dinner at Swensens Crown Prince hotel, then proceeded with a stroll down Orchard Road towards Plaza Singapura to catch a movie. There after, we took a cab home, he send me to my place before heading back.

As the days went by, we got to know each other better and things started to get more intimate. It was then… one night, when I went over to his apartment that we confessed our love for one another.

That night we had a candle light dinner served with home cooked pasta of spaghetti and pizza. He did the cooking and washing up, and the food was delicious. Or maybe, because we were very hungry for food.

After the washing up of the dishes, we sat by the living room, staring out towards the balcony facing the open sea. We began to hold hands and before long, started kissing. It was the first time I kissed and the first time I had sex with anyone.

He was my first love. I was his tenth lover. What a vast difference, he’s 27 while I was 22. I only began work in society as a freelance journalist and a part time relief teacher. I enjoyed the likes of both worlds. Writing and sharing my knowledge with everyone who I meet.

As the night proceeded, darker and darker in the dimly lit living room, we started to unzip and undress till we were only left with g-strings. We happen to wear g-strings that day. Not because of any fetish, but was because we did it for fun and was coincidental that we both wore the same thing inside us. By the time we were both nude, we were already crawling into the bedroom.

Intense kissing continued with hugging and foreplay. Through the night sex took place till the wee hours before we both got tired and jerked off before taking a shower and going to sleep.

The next day, morning, the fun continued as it was a weekend. We went for a short cycling expedition and some tanning at East Coast Park before heading for lunch at Kenny Rogers®. We continued to bask in the sun till the evening before having dinner over at his place. Stayed there till eight at night before he send me back home.

Every weekend was spend in almost the same fashion, except that we did different things every weekend. We also went on 2 short trips – one to Perth, Australia and the other to Taiwan.

However, this relationship did not last… after 12months together, I got tired of everything. As for him, he started to go for one night stands, bringing guys back to his apartment for sex every weekday where he feels like mating. I got very pissed at the sight of it when I found out one day when I did my surprise visit to his apartment.

The sight of him mating with some other guy shattered my image of him. I got very angry and gave him a punch on the abs before heading out of his apartment and throwing his apartment keys back to him.

I felt cheated of my entire relationship, my 1 year spend with him has gone to waste. For someone whom I had loved deeply has betrayed me. Not because I refused to have sex with him, it was because his desire for sex was far beyond what I could give him. All because, I had to rush work all the way till wee hours at night to rush out the news for the next day.

Ever since that night, we were no longer in contact. I ignored his explanations and e-mails which he sent me. I felt that there was no reason I should ever contact him for he has cheated me of my feelings and I felt so cheap to have been toyed with.

Months later, I decided to leave Singapore and went on a month holiday trip to Australia. I took the opportunity to gain exposure to learn more of the Australian culture as well as to compose my first novel. Within a month, I completed writing my novel and returned to Singapore with a fresh beginning, and has forgiven him after much thought. However, I will no longer love him, if I were to meet him on the streets, I will only acknowledge him as a friend.


Chapter III

Life got back to normal – just like before I began my love life. I returned to my teaching as well as my journalist job. I submitted my works of various big and small publishers for review. I received many replied but only one publisher was keen to get my novel published.

After months of discussion and editing of the story, the novel was ready to be published. The initial print was ten thousand copies, and I decided to pledge part of my royalties to charity. Even though I know that the book will not be a great hit.

It was a story a child’s journey in search of his true identity. And about the numerous obstacles he has go through before he could finally realize what he wanted in life and who he truly is.

To my surprise, months after the book hits the shelves, there was a request of a reprint. I was taken by surprise and my publisher actually organized a book signing session for me to share my writing experience with the many readers who purchased the book.

It was during that book signing session that I met him again. I could sense the old atmosphere just like the day we first met on Orchard Road. However, the feeling of closeness wasn’t there anymore. We went for coffee after the book singing session and had a long chat.

We updated one another on our happenings, only after much prompting from him did I reveal how I was living my life. And I told him I had forgiven him for what he had done. However, I told him that I wish him luck in whatever he wants to do in life. As I no longer feel for him. Before we departed, we embraced one another for the last time and we walked off in opposite directions. We never turned back, there was no turning back, both of us were not attached, he no longer went for one night stands and life got better for both of us.

I focused on writing full time while he did his advertising.

As I recovered from my thoughts… the player was still playing the same song over and over again… even though goodbye’s maybe the saddest thing, I feel… a goodbye can be a temporary exit as well as a permanent exit. For me, I feel he is just a phase in my life. He entered and exit, as he had wished. I had no regrets of know him and having him as part of my life. However, I do not wish to hate him either, as I feel forgive and forget still suits me best.

Afterword

Write this story out of boredom. The inspiration came from Celine Dion’s song – Goodbyes (the Saddest Word). Hope you have enjoyed the story.