Forbidden Love :: June 12, 2005

Faithful + un-Faithful = Scandals?? Does this equation always exist?

Disclaimer: The characters in this story dead or alive have no relation to real life beings.

Chapter 1
Sometimes I ask myself? Have I been faithful to my boyfriend? In terms of the undivided love for him. And most of the time, I could not exactly come to a concluding statement on this topic. Why? Why has that to be? Am I really that heartless? Again, another big question mark comes stomping into my face.

As my thoughts carried me further away from reality, I began to think back into the past. Of the various unfaithful events that preceded during my 2 years of companionship with Jonathan – my ex boyfriend.

It seems like watching a 2hour movie, everything was in a flash, from the time we met, got together, have sex till the day we parted our ways to go our separate ways. Every moment was being captured, even the unsightly moments where I had flings with other guys, as well as the guy who has tried to snatch me away from Jonathan, but without success of course.

As I think back all these, tears began to roll down from my eyeballs. The crystal clear tears were flowing profusely as if I am bleeding to death. I feel sorrow deep inside me, and a sense of guilt of what I had done to him. Most of the flings I had were injustice on my part, for being coaxed into a very high feeling. For being immature on my part, not being able to make sound judgment of what is right and wrong.

All in all, a world of sadness now overshadows me. For being slut, and being unfaithful. For being all the nasty decretory words you can think of.

From my point of view, I led a very messy life. With clubbing on weekends to bitching in class about how short the girls are wearing their slut skirts to my lecturers about how bimbotic and old fashioned some of them are. It’s a very sadistic world that I belong to.

Even when I am on my clinical postings, the sight of the way some of the student nurse behave also make me want to bitch at them about how unprofessional they can be. It just saddens be about the way we lead life. Be it in a homosexual, straight or bi-sexual lifestyle. All lifestyle are as complicated as ever. No one’s safe from anything like AIDS, TB, HIV, Hepatitis B, SARS and the list just flows on.

Chapter 2

I got to know Jonathan through the IRC channel on a Monday afternoon. It was a shiny day, yet, my friends were all in school as school has begun for them. As for me, I’m on vacation, with no one to talk to, the IRC channel was the only place I could turn to for people to chat with.

[tamp] Hi! Care to intro?
[sleepyBoi] 19m 167 57
[sleepyBoi] how about u?
[tamp] 24m 174 65
[tamp] seek?
[sleepyBoi] friends and people to chat with… how about u?
[tamp] sex and friends…
[tamp] I don’t think I am what u are looking for… haha
[sleepBoi] well, we can still chat, can’t we?
[tamp] of course we can :P
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As the chat goes on, they chatted about quite a bit of things on lifestyle… then on to the topic about sex…

After a while, they decided to meet up at a nearby park to continue their chatting session.

Peter got ready to set off to Tampines to meet up with his new friend Jonathan.

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Peter: Hi Jonathan, nice to meet you…

Jonathan: Yea, Hi there.

After they exchanged salutations, they began to take a stroll while chatting as they move along to a quiet spot in the part to continue with their chat.

As they continued chatting, things got a bit steamy in their conversations. Before long, they were kissing in broad day light. And their hands were all over the place. Moments later, they were behind the bushes.

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After the steamy session, they stroll out of the park, bid goodbye and decided to keep in contact. It was the first time Jonathan did that in broad day light and the first time he felt very happy about knowing someone who he feels could be his Mr. Right.

As for Peter, he felt happy to know Jonathan, and felt the same for him. However, his feeling for Jonathan is only superficial. That night, they chatted till very late on MSN messenger while listening to Amber soundtrack. A Singapore Arts Festival play by National theatre of China.

During the long chat that night, Peter could sense a love atmosphere in the works. Moreover, he is taking his time to understand more about Jonathan. After being in the gay circle for 2years, he is still a greenhorn as compared to other veterans in the circle. Even though, he might not be as green as those much younger than him.

As time passed by, slowly, after a few nights of chatting on MSN and numerous exchange of text messages, he decided that it was time to meet up with his prince charming again.

They met on the second day of his birthday. Even though it was a very brief meeting, he felt very happy about the special arrangement that Jonathan has installed for him. As compared to the ones he celebrated over the past 18years. He recounted only 6 celebrations. 3 of them with birthday cakes, while the other 2 were with friends and former colleagues at Spotlight on different occasions. And the most recent one, on the 2nd day of his birthday with Jonathan.

It was also on that day that he asked Jonathan if he was interested in going into a companionship with him. The reason why Peter decided to ask Jonathan was because, he could sense deeply that Jonathan is very deeply in love with him. And, furthermore, Peter does have some feelings for Jonathan and feels that Jonathan might be the one he has been looking for all this while.

Everything just falls into place in a flash. Within just 4days, they were already together. They defined their love as companionship where everyone gets the chance to meet up with their own group of friends as well as devoting sometime to meet up for dinner and other activities. Everything was well planned and both won’t lose out on the chance for the so-called “private space” which they both want to have. It was the ideal love life that both wanted and it did work out in be beginning though their love was flying very quickly for the first month before it eventually toned down a little.

It was also a very good thing, to have a companionship tone down to a much slower pace to build up stronger bonds and keeping it low profile at the same time means a lot to both.

Though, some of Peter’s friends were in double shock to know that he got attached suddenly when they went out with him. Not from his mouth, but rather, from the ring he always carried with him faithfully. His friends respected him for his decision on his companionship.

The times when Peter met up with Jonathan were very irregular due to Peter’s work schedule and other factors.

Chapter 3

As time went by, Peter got to know more and more friends from the internet and met them up for coffee and outings. He did also engage in some flings behind Jonathan’s back like those of kissing and hugging. Which in the eyes of Peter were just simply for flirt. There was also a couple of times when the guys he hang out with, despite knowing he is already attached confessed that they love him. He was unmoved by most of them even though he kept in contact with them.

His reason being that, they were still people whom he feels comfortable chatting with. Not because of their advances on him. And most of the time, he will push away any act of intimacy which violates him in terms of his current companionship with Jonathan. He carries Jonathan in his heart wherever he goes even at work, with wearing a ring on his neck.

However, a few months into his strong relationship, he could not stand the temptation that was presented to him and he fell into the love trap. He started to have feelings for someone he got to know for a while now. They will meet up occasionally for coffee and end up kissing and hugging in nude.

The guy that he met up with is single, and was much older than his Jonathan. They would usually exchange text messages a few times daily and crap on MSN messenger as well. The guy is also aware that Peter is attached. He once did confess that he too liked peter, moreover, he knows that there is nothing much he could do except to treat Peter like a close friend of his. And he knows his limits in this game of love. That everything can come to a close overnight. And it could either make or break a relationship should Peter’s boyfriend find out about this scandalous act of theirs.

Peter treated this affair as a side dish, and he did not really commit himself in such a fling. He knows very well the consequences that could happen should he get too deeply involved in this extra affair. It could lead to a breakup with his boyfriend and even worse, unexpected events could follow.

The affair lasted for the remaining years of his companionship till the day Jonathan saw Peter and his friend together on the streets.

Days later, Jonathan confronted Peter about what was happening and the truth came to light… Peter was having a 1year odd affair with another guy behind his back. He felt angry and cheated and wanted to deliver a slap on peter’s face. Yet, feeling very heart broken, he broke down and started crying. Asking Peter, why did you do this to me? Don’t you know how much I love you and how much I care for you? Why are you still doing this to me? Is it because I did not spend enough time with you or what?

Peter was numb with nothing to say. And moments later, he too began to drip tears for he realized his biggest mistake is to have an affair with another guy for 1 year and being very unfaithful to his boyfriend.

He wanted to hug his boyfriend… but, everything was just too late. His boyfriend was long gone even before he realized it. Though they still kept in contact, but the deep hole in Jonathan’s heart will never be healed again. It left a very deep scar, which only time will heal. And the trust that Jonathan had on Peter was long gone with the broken heart.

Chapter 4

Slowly, I recovered from my deep thoughts into the past. With a pool of tears already gathering beneath my desk. Now, after being single for 5months now, thinking back about what a nasty person I have been to be in a companionship yet having an affair with someone else… I really hate myself to the core.

Every since the final verdict, I still kept in contact with the guy I had an affair with. But, we no longer meet up that often and no longer kissing and hugging in nude. He is now happily attached with me left feeling sour. All has come and gone too fast, I do treasure every bits of this bitter sweet love that I had. However, the rainbow that I once had is now nowhere to be seen. How sad can life really be? Sometimes I really wonder? Thinking back, I really hope that I had not had an affair and should be more faithful and cherish the love and care that I was very fortunate to have. And to be tearing leads me to understand that my love for him is not just a come and go. It’s really very deep inside me, till now I can still feel the pain and I fear loving another person. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, I just want to get a life, live life more peacefully for now till I am ready for the next train to hop on for a smoother journey and stay on it for as long as my life lasts.

I guess opportunities dun always wait on us, there will always be an expiry date attached and if we are not fast enough, we will just miss it and it will never come back to take us for a second ride. That remains very true even after the day you die. I guess in life we should treasure everything we have or possess, nothing is permanent. Everything in life form can just come and go without notice.

Even our own life has an expiry date, through the course of 2 years of love and being a student nurse, I have learnt a lot about life about how we should cherish everything we have. Nothing lasts, and everyone of us maybe alive today. What about tomorrow? We might be buried or burn into ashes. Nothing is predictable in this world, the world is fast changing and evolving, no one knows where we will be tomorrow, as in this saying “yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift”. And today is exactly a gift and we should be happy that we can still live to see the day… but well, what is death then? Well, death is a continuation of life.

Maybe I just think too much sometimes, and I really mean that I think a lot. Not for saying only, I hope I will heal my sorrow and my wound soon.

Afterword

This scandalous story is not exactly very spicy. It is very plain and simply put – on the surface of having affairs. Hope you enjoyed reading it, and rethink about life. The inspiration came from the recent scandal I overhead. And, well… nothing is based on true life. Really, everything is being faked up.

Written: 12 June 2005